I'm Writing a Book

I am writing a book; how about that? The working title is "Guided to the Straight Path," which as Muslims know is from the Holy Qur'an 1:6. It seemed like the best title to explain my life in the past 9 months or so. It's about my spiritual journey. How did an American woman of Western European descent, raised in a devout Catholic family, come to adopt Islam as a way of life. Some people have told me that it might generate some interest. My cousin has a contact at a major publisher, and I have a few publishing contact from the time I worked for educational test publishing companies who also publish books.

It's been a good exercise for me personally, because it helps me see that from a very early age, I had a strong belief in God and Catholicism actually implanted many of those seeds. But all through my life, as I am planning out the book's structure, I can see how Allah was guiding me, leading me, as I had doubts and questions, trials and tribulations that I thought I could never survive. Of course, I know now that Allah has always been with me. Allah has a reason for everything; everything that happens to us is part of Allah's plan. Although we may not see any good coming out of a situation, Allah uses everything to teach us something or help us grow in our faith. As the Holy Qur'an tells us, Allah has a plan, and Allah always knows best. The longer I am here on this earth, the more clearly I see that this is absolutely true. 

Subhanallah!

How Does One Deal with Severe Depression and Anxiety, Islamically?

How does a person deal with severe depression ans terrible anxiety from an Islamic perspective? I am now struggling with this issue, and have been, for several weeks, ever since the incident at my daughter's home.

We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.

What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).

In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.

John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.

I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.