Today is Friday

I haven't been to Juma'a (Friday prayers) in so long. This is true confession time. I feel agoraphobic much of the time and it is a very real difficulty for me to get myself out and do things. I would much rather stay safe in my home. I get very anxious when I know I am going out. I take my meds and sometimes they help and other times, not so much. I'm hoping that today is one of those days when I can get out to prayers. I like our sheikh's sermons and I feel better when I go to prayers. The more I do it, the easier it will become. I know that. But it's the getting out of the house that is a problem for me. Also the women's room is so crowded. Things will be better when the new masjid opens but for now it is hot and crowded and I worry about my passing out from the heat and closeness. My fears are real. I have a tendency to faint in those circumstances. I pray that today will be a start of a new chapter in my spiritual journey and I will be able to keep up with my responsibilities.

Saying Prayers and Being a Good Muslim

I know that I say my prayers (sometimes not in position but Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] prayed on a horse) but I just couldn't get myself together to go to the classes this week. My anxiety has hindered me from doing so many things. I really wanted to start classes this week but I just couldn't do it. Ramadan is coming and I hope that I will be better this year than last year when I felt so abandoned and sick. I don't know what's the matter with me. I wish I could feel a part of things, but I don't. I wish this feeling would go away.