Saying Prayers and Being a Good Muslim

I know that I say my prayers (sometimes not in position but Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] prayed on a horse) but I just couldn't get myself together to go to the classes this week. My anxiety has hindered me from doing so many things. I really wanted to start classes this week but I just couldn't do it. Ramadan is coming and I hope that I will be better this year than last year when I felt so abandoned and sick. I don't know what's the matter with me. I wish I could feel a part of things, but I don't. I wish this feeling would go away.

Am I a Good Muslima?

Am I a good Muslima? I don't know. I think I could be a lot better. I say my prayers everyday, but sometimes when I'm driving and not in my prayer room. I'm trying to learn about the Sufi path. I haven't been to Juma' for the past couple of weeks; something always gets in the way: waiting for a phone call, etc. I missed Islamic studies again yesterday because of the Internet problem and waiting for Time Warner to fix it all day. Literally all day: from 9 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. I was ready to go to Juma' yesterday but I can't remember what came up. Something did and it got late and I didn't go. I really want to be a good Muslima, but I don't feel like I am. I feel I could be a lot better. When I go out with the family, it's always at a prayer time and I have to make it up. I don't feel comfortable saying, "I have to go pray now," since they are not respectful of my religion and my way of life. I have to pray to be a stonger Muslima and do what I should.

And Abudharr can jump in a lake. I'm glad I had already made up my mind that it wouldn't work and wasn't right. Now I don't have to deal with it. Thank Allah for small favors.

First Day of Ramadan

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I am both excited and a bit scared. I am excited about having a month dedicated to growing closer to God. I am scared that I will have a problem with fasting. I got up early, say the Tarajjud and Witr prayers, then ate a good breakfast: cereal and milk, yogurt, energy drink, very large glass of water, and a couple of dates. I am full! Now I have said Fajr and 4 extra rak'ahs; I am ready to take Ernie out, but he isn't really ready to go out. So I have time for him to wake up (he's downstairs but not really "awake").

Now it's time to read the Qur'an and also my devotional book. I'd like to be able to devote a lot of time to reading the Qur'an, but today is not going to be the day. I have to take Jackie and Cassie to a clinic to see if their immunizations are in order; then they have to go to Prep Day at school (they have to have their immunization records--"no shots, no school"). I hope all goes well for them during Prep Day. I'm not sure if I should stay there just in case or not.

I promised to take them to Kohls to buy school clothes after Prep Day. We have a 30% off coupon. I did tell them that they needed to eat before school because I am not taking them to eat.

I contacted ICSA about their Iftar, but they only sent me a prayer time schedule. I'm not sure if Imam Mahdi Masjid has prayers and Iftar every night or not. Guess I'll just have to ask.

ICSA started the Tarweed prayers last night. Since I wasn't really ready to go, I did say them at home last night, as well as the early prayers this morning and extra prayers after Fajr. I have asked God to help me be a better person and a better Muslim this month. I hope it will carry over throughout my life. That's why I tried to be so accommodating to Sabrina with this shot business. I am trying to be very kind to her because I know she is very stressed.

InshAllah God will bless me with His grace and help me. Ameen!

An Interesting Weekend

I fully expected that today would be my "coming out" day, that today Sabrina and Jackie and my church would find out that I have adopted Islam as my way of life. But, as things turned out, rains came down from the heavens today and gave me a migraine (along with the fact that I got only about 3 hours of sleep last night which probably contributed to the headache) so I was given a reprieve from facing the people I know and love most and explaining to them what has happened to me. I have begun to say my prayers now. I feel more like a true Muslim. I am using the information sheets that Lyana sent me, but I put them on index cards so it would be easier for me to use.
I had intended to go to services last night but Sabrina called just as I was about to leave and wanted to stop over with the girls who were returning from Austin and their trip to UT-Austin. Apparently one of the girls had great need of my facilities, so I knew that was important so I waited for them to arrive. However, half an hour later, Sabrina was still waiting for the bus to arrive, and then another half hour later, she called and said the girls had said they could wait until they got home. I was a bit annoyed, considering that Sabrina does have a key to my house and could have let herself and the girls in--I didn't have to be here--but I still think I did the right thing. John would tell me differently, I think, but I think I wanted to show them that they come first in my life, and I would do almost anything for them.
I had a wonderful experience at the masjid on Friday at prayers and then at the program later in the evening, The teacher from Austin spoke about patience, and about learning patience from things we like by using them in modernation and those we don't like by doing them and not avoiding them. There was a very poignant moment when he spoke about how many of the people had left their homelands with beautiful cities and nice climates and fresh, cool water to come to a strange land with strange customs and unbearable heat and salty water. And. I thought, persecution. The land of the free--not exactly. But it helped them learn patience. Maybe that's why AH is so patient with us in Arabic class. It brought me to tears to think about it, especially since today is election day in Iraq. Will the terror never stop?
NP found me on FB today. I was so glad to see her ask me for a friend. It will be a good way to message and talk about my journey of faith. I don't know what mosque she attends, but I know I have people praying for me. I feel a little sad that I have not heard from MM at Fairhaven about the class. I really would like to attend some classes or study, but the masjid doesn't have many opportunities for study. And it is a strict Shi'a sect, and I don't want to learn something wrong. But I want to study. What to do?
My need to learn and study always will get me into trouble, for sure!