Today is Friday

I haven't been to Juma'a (Friday prayers) in so long. This is true confession time. I feel agoraphobic much of the time and it is a very real difficulty for me to get myself out and do things. I would much rather stay safe in my home. I get very anxious when I know I am going out. I take my meds and sometimes they help and other times, not so much. I'm hoping that today is one of those days when I can get out to prayers. I like our sheikh's sermons and I feel better when I go to prayers. The more I do it, the easier it will become. I know that. But it's the getting out of the house that is a problem for me. Also the women's room is so crowded. Things will be better when the new masjid opens but for now it is hot and crowded and I worry about my passing out from the heat and closeness. My fears are real. I have a tendency to faint in those circumstances. I pray that today will be a start of a new chapter in my spiritual journey and I will be able to keep up with my responsibilities.

Saying Prayers and Being a Good Muslim

I know that I say my prayers (sometimes not in position but Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] prayed on a horse) but I just couldn't get myself together to go to the classes this week. My anxiety has hindered me from doing so many things. I really wanted to start classes this week but I just couldn't do it. Ramadan is coming and I hope that I will be better this year than last year when I felt so abandoned and sick. I don't know what's the matter with me. I wish I could feel a part of things, but I don't. I wish this feeling would go away.

I Shouldn"t Feel This Way

This morning I wrote in my blog about a time when I was "on fire." I wrote about the now infamous dog bit incident and realized that I still have a lot of unresolved anger about that. I still have unresolved anger about the snub on Christmas. I don't know if my relationship is any better with Sabrina now than it was months ago. She did loan me her car while my car was being repaired for 3 weeks which was very generous of her. But I feel such a distance from her and I don't want it to be this way, She's not keen on seeing John because he got off track the last time. Now I need to talk to John and tell him she's pissed off about the last time we were there. She's so pissed off that she doesn't want to go back. I feel like our relationship is slipping away. She thinks I'll be around forever but time is slipping by to fix our relationship. I have prayed so much about this that I am just about all prayed out. I don't know what to do. I know I have to talk to John about her anger at him. Is she angry at me too? I don't know because we just text but it seems from her texts that she's angry about something. I want so badly to have a good relationship with my daughter. I try not to push my religion on her, but she can't help but see me within my religion by mt dress. All I know is that she is very angry about something and I am clueless. I think she feels that we have not made much progress with John. Maybe we need a different therapist for our joint sessions. I don't know. I just know I want to have a good relationship with her and I don't right now and it breaks my heart. Allah, help me.

Dealing with Depression and Anxiety, Islamically

I would like to know how to deal with my depression and anxiety Islamically. I take my meds and try to meditate and go to my therapist. Someday I wonder if it is doing any good for me. I still get suicidal thoughts, and fights with Sabrina bring on these terrible thoughts. I am always anxious. Now my IBS has come back with a vengeance; I wonder if I will ever reach a stage where I will not need meds or seeing my therapist. I doubt it, because I am getting older and things will continue to go downhill. But I really wish I could live a normal life where my daughter excepts me for who I am, and I don't have all these medical problems and mental problem.

I think praying helps to focus me, Meditating has also helped a little. I didn't meditate today or yesterday, but I will try to do the meditation this morning. Maybe that will help my anxiety. Then maybe I can face the world.

Meditating--Dhikr

I have been meditating, use "Al-Hamdulilah" as a focus word for the past several weeks. I think it has helped me in my spiritual life. Giving thanks to God for all the things He has given me is a good way to start the day after saying morning prayers. I didn't meditate this morning because Ernie was up early and had to go out, but I have been meditating for 10 minutes after Fajr. Today I have a migraine and missed Qi Gong, but hope to get to the CASA open house at 1 p.m. I always have such good intentions but it's hard to get to do the things I want to do. I have been writing most of the morning. I just felt I needed to. I need to focus more on Islam and my school program and stop dwelling on the past.

I'm Trying

I have been trying to be a goof Muslima and make sure I say my prayers even though I tend to forget the Ishaa prayer because I get tired and forget and go to sleep before I egt to say it. It seems I remember it in the morning so I say it before Fajr. I don't want to say, "oh. well. I forgot. Never mind." So I say it in the morning if I've forgotten it at night. One night I forgot both the Maghrib and the Ishaa prayer and had to say them both in the morning.

Today I am getting rid of boxes and trash, and then I can assess what I have and what I want to get rid of. I have so much and and so much I don't need and need to give away or throw out. I should be grateful to have so much, but much I have is stuff I don't need and maybe someone else does need it. Especially the clothes. I could bag them and have the Salvation Army come and take them away; there is so many since I am wearing only Islamic clothing now. I can't work for very long because my back starts to hurt. I'd like to get the desk downstairs today if possible so I will try to clean off the end table so we can move the desk downstairs. I should put up the bookshelf, too, so I can put things on that. I will do that later today when there is more light.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing in getting rid of so much that I have and that other people could use, or that is just garbage. Inshallah.

Am I a Good Muslima?

Am I a good Muslima? I don't know. I think I could be a lot better. I say my prayers everyday, but sometimes when I'm driving and not in my prayer room. I'm trying to learn about the Sufi path. I haven't been to Juma' for the past couple of weeks; something always gets in the way: waiting for a phone call, etc. I missed Islamic studies again yesterday because of the Internet problem and waiting for Time Warner to fix it all day. Literally all day: from 9 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. I was ready to go to Juma' yesterday but I can't remember what came up. Something did and it got late and I didn't go. I really want to be a good Muslima, but I don't feel like I am. I feel I could be a lot better. When I go out with the family, it's always at a prayer time and I have to make it up. I don't feel comfortable saying, "I have to go pray now," since they are not respectful of my religion and my way of life. I have to pray to be a stonger Muslima and do what I should.

And Abudharr can jump in a lake. I'm glad I had already made up my mind that it wouldn't work and wasn't right. Now I don't have to deal with it. Thank Allah for small favors.