Last Night's Dinner

I had dinner with Sabrina last night. I know it was at John's suggestion, but however it came about, it was good for us to spend time together and talk. She told me that Cassie is seeing a therapist, and Jackie and Clint are also going to go. It has to do with Cassie's anger issues, primarily, but apparently (don't I know this?!) the therapist would also like to see Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina, too. Cassie says she needs another journal, because she doesn't want to use her Twilight journals until a certain date, for some reason.

We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.

Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.

Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.

Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST)  because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family. 

So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.