The Sh%t Has Hit The Fan

Here is the background of my story.  I have been a spiritual seeker all my life; thanks be to Allah, a long life. I went to Roman Catholic schools all my life, even undergraduate university. My family was very religious, especially my mother. She was a convert to Catholicism. When I was in my 20s, I turned away from God due to something my mother-in-law said, because I was not mature enough to understand that was her opinion (a wrong one) and not the truth of God. When Sabrina was about 4, I returned to God and went back to RC church, the church I knew. There were MANY things about the RC church I could not accept, but my pastor convinced me to stay because he said (rightly) the people--not the pope or bishops or priests--were the real church. But then he was moved to another church, and the new pastor was very old school--very "by the book," we say. I could not accept that faith. I started going to Lutheran Christian church (Sabrina was about 13) and have gone to Lutheran church ever since, until this last year. Unbelievably, I could not find a Lutheran church in all of San Antonio, a city of 1.8 million people, many of German descent who are Lutheran, that was a good "fit" for me. So I finally began going to a small non-denominational Christian church, sort of "come as you are," and it was ok. That's where the girls and I have been attending. There is an emphasis on service, as Jesus told us to do. 

But for many months and years as I read and studied, I have come more and more to believe that I cannot confess that Jesus is God. If Jesus is God, Christianity has more than one god. Christianity has a doctrine called the doctrine of the Trinity, 3 persons in One God. I can give a better argument than most seminarians for the Trinity, but I cannot accept it. I still see it as believing in 3 gods. So for me, that left Judaism or Islam for belief in the One True God. I believe, however, that Muhammad was a Great Prophet sent by God and have always believed that. I believed that from my own study and reading, certainly not what I was taught in school, except in Comparative Religions courses, where I learned about many religions. So I had reached the point where I didn't believe that Jesus was God; a Great Prophet for sure, and God's Holy Anointed Messenger for his time and the Messiah, but not God. And I also believed, the more I read and studied the Holy Bible, that St Paul, who wrote most of the books in the New (Greek) Testament actually was the one who promoted this falsehood of Jesus as God and "hijacked" Christianity into a new religion deifying Jesus, instead of remaining a sect of Judaism, which Jesus intended. He never intended to start a new religion, certainly not with himself as the center.
 
SO it was like a slap up side the head by God when this term, OASIS, the senior center I attend, offered Arabic class, a lecture on Women in Islam, and an Interfaith trip to one of our mosques. It was as if God was saying, "Pay attention here!" And so I did. At the masjid at juma (communal prayers), I heard more about what Isa (Jesus) taught than I have heard in most Christian churches! I felt so at peace there. And just going through the motions of the Salat (prayer) seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. So I listened to God and "took the plunge," so to speak, and adopted Islam as my way of life. But it is not without difficulty.

Now, something terrible has happened. My daughter is concerned that because I have adopted Islam, I am confusing my granddaughters and am now a negative influence in their lives. She wants us both to go to see my therapist next week, which is a good thing, I guess (though he has prejudices against Islam for various reasons, as I've mentioned before). But the worst part is that she wants to limit my access to the girls. She thinks I will fill their heads with confusing and conflicting things--some things she mentioned were harmless fun we were having with each other and had nothing to do with Islam. She thinks I just want attention. The girls are upset because they like the church we went to and want to go there still, but they don't want to go alone. Yesterday I told them that I would talk to the pastors about what to do about that. Ideally, they would like their mother to attend church with them. Unfortunately, Cassie has talked about changing her name (it was in a totally different context) and is wondering if she should become a Muslim. Jackie is very spiritual and called her mother out in the car yesterday about the fact that her mother should be going to church herself, when Sabrina said, "Why don't we just be atheists?" It was disrepectful of Jackie to say that to her mother, but my daughter has to realize they are developing their own spiritual lives and need to live them out. Sabrina texted me all morning when I asked her what this conference with the therapist was about, and she told me, in not very nice terms, that I am a bad influence on the girls. I am heartsick over this, and I know this is a great test of my own spirituality. I am praying and I have asked my friends to pray for me, too, to pass through this trial. So far, it's given me a migraine (no surprise there!), and the good thing is that I will see my therapist alone tomorrow, and we can talk about this before Sabrina comes barreling into his office and makes me out as some sort of insane woman. She says I have the mentality of a 12-year-old. I wonder if she ever considers God and her own spirituality, or if that is too difficult to face. I am glad that the girls care so deeply about God, but I don't want them to suffer at the hands of their mother and a know-it-all step-father (who thinks I'm crazy because he lived in Saudi Arabia and "knows" all about Islam). And to not be able to be with the girls would be a death for me.
 
That is the story, short version. I do not regret my decision; I know I made the right decision. My daughter doesn't realize how intelligent her girls are. I know I have confused them and for this I am sorry, and for making their lives more complicated.  InshAllah we can work out something with the church. I have to email the pastors and try to explain all this. I would be willing to wear my veil but not as severe as when I go to masjid. I would even not wear the veil, if that would be the condition for coming to church. The girls want to stay there and I want them to stay there where they are comfortable and where they believe and feel welcome.

I will email the pastors tonight and see what transpires. I know they won't turn the girls away, and may not turn me away either. InshAllah all will work out well.