"My Get-Up"

I'm writing in red because I am pissed off (sorry, not a very Muslim term, but it's what I'm feeling). A couple of weeks ago on Mother's Day, my one and only daughter picked me up and we went for a lovely massage. I wore modest (but trendy) clothing and a loosely draped, see-through oblong scarf over my head. Mind you, my hair was showing; it looked elegant; it was NOT hijab! The first words out of my daughter's mouth when I entered to car were, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't wear your 'get-up' when you are with me and the girls." I took a deep breath, and replied, "I am not wearing hijab. Scarves are trendy. It's just draped around my head. What's the problem?" No answer. The ride was rather tense after that. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife (over-used metaphor).

Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.

Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.

So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.

This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!

I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.

I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!