Maybe Things Will Change?

Haven't blogged in a bit, not since (I think) Sabrina went nuts about my request to were hijab during Ramadan. Then the fiasco happened when she threw me out of her house on August 23, after I had house-sat for her animals for 9 days while she was on a cruise. I was told to leave because her husband told her to make me leave, after I had to tell them that their ill-behaved Chihuahua had bitten me badly, the wounds became infected, my physician had to file an incident report, and then the dog had to be quarantined because it didn't have its rabies shots. No matter than I was very ill from the infection and from the antibiotics (which had to be changed). No "thanks for caring for our home," just abuse. 

What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.

This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds. 

It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!

I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.

Eid Mubarak!

Eid Mubarak! This is my first Eid al-Fitr. Ramadan is over. Did I accomplish all my goals for Ramadan? Well, it was a very trying and difficult first Ramadan for me. The first day of Ramadan started with the outrage of my daughter over my request to wear a loose head scarf when I picked up my granddaughters to take them to Prep Day at school, and in terms of my relationship with Sabrina, things went downhill from there. So, in that respect, this is NOT what I wanted to accomplish during Ramadan. But in all honesty, the decline in our relationship could not have been prevented, since it completely fell apart after I house-sat for her and Pako (the very ill-behaved Chihuahua) bite me viciously, with the bites becoming infected, my doctor having to file a dog-bite incident report, Pako going to the vet for quarantine, and culminating in my son-in-law telling my daughter that she had to tell me to leave HIS house immediately. It's still difficult to believe that my own child threw me out of her house, after I had cared for her house and animals for 9 days and been severely injured by her dog.

Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift. 

Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!

I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.

So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.

Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.

So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.