Eid Mubarak!

Eid Mubarak! This is my first Eid al-Fitr. Ramadan is over. Did I accomplish all my goals for Ramadan? Well, it was a very trying and difficult first Ramadan for me. The first day of Ramadan started with the outrage of my daughter over my request to wear a loose head scarf when I picked up my granddaughters to take them to Prep Day at school, and in terms of my relationship with Sabrina, things went downhill from there. So, in that respect, this is NOT what I wanted to accomplish during Ramadan. But in all honesty, the decline in our relationship could not have been prevented, since it completely fell apart after I house-sat for her and Pako (the very ill-behaved Chihuahua) bite me viciously, with the bites becoming infected, my doctor having to file a dog-bite incident report, Pako going to the vet for quarantine, and culminating in my son-in-law telling my daughter that she had to tell me to leave HIS house immediately. It's still difficult to believe that my own child threw me out of her house, after I had cared for her house and animals for 9 days and been severely injured by her dog.

Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift. 

Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!

I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.

So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.

Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.

So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community. 

 

First Day of Ramadan

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I am both excited and a bit scared. I am excited about having a month dedicated to growing closer to God. I am scared that I will have a problem with fasting. I got up early, say the Tarajjud and Witr prayers, then ate a good breakfast: cereal and milk, yogurt, energy drink, very large glass of water, and a couple of dates. I am full! Now I have said Fajr and 4 extra rak'ahs; I am ready to take Ernie out, but he isn't really ready to go out. So I have time for him to wake up (he's downstairs but not really "awake").

Now it's time to read the Qur'an and also my devotional book. I'd like to be able to devote a lot of time to reading the Qur'an, but today is not going to be the day. I have to take Jackie and Cassie to a clinic to see if their immunizations are in order; then they have to go to Prep Day at school (they have to have their immunization records--"no shots, no school"). I hope all goes well for them during Prep Day. I'm not sure if I should stay there just in case or not.

I promised to take them to Kohls to buy school clothes after Prep Day. We have a 30% off coupon. I did tell them that they needed to eat before school because I am not taking them to eat.

I contacted ICSA about their Iftar, but they only sent me a prayer time schedule. I'm not sure if Imam Mahdi Masjid has prayers and Iftar every night or not. Guess I'll just have to ask.

ICSA started the Tarweed prayers last night. Since I wasn't really ready to go, I did say them at home last night, as well as the early prayers this morning and extra prayers after Fajr. I have asked God to help me be a better person and a better Muslim this month. I hope it will carry over throughout my life. That's why I tried to be so accommodating to Sabrina with this shot business. I am trying to be very kind to her because I know she is very stressed.

InshAllah God will bless me with His grace and help me. Ameen!

Getting Ready for Ramadan

Ramadan starts on Wednesday, August 9, 2010, or according to the Islamic Calendar, 1 Ramadan 1431 AH. This will be my first Ramadan since I adopted Islam, and I must admit, I am a bit nervous about observing it correctly. I don’t really know the prayers to say in the morning before Fajr, but I will look them up on the Internet. I will attend the Salaat and Iftar (light dinner) at Imam Mahdi Masjid in the evening. I know that there is also Qur’an recitation and duaas each night. From what I’ve read, many masjids time the Qur’an recitations so that the entire Qur’an is recited during Ramadan.

I’m a little worried that I might have trouble with the fasting. I have been getting up early to say Fajr at the proper time (new for me), but during Ramadan, I have to eat BEFORE the time for Fajr. Getting up at 5:00 or 5:15 a.m. will not be easy for me. Then I cannot eat nor can I drink until after Maghrib. I asked Ayesha D. if she had any advice for me in observing Ramadan, but this is actually the first Ramadan she will be observing since she reverted and began practicing Islam in earnest. I was thinking about asking Abudharr for advice, or Narjis. I know they would give me good advice. I know I’ll be ok about not eating, but I worry about not drinking anything. I often have to take medicine, and I know that’s allowed, but still.... Abudharr left me an Arabic message on FB, so I should look at it and ask him for advice. Maybe he would meet me for coffee Monday or Tuesday and he could tell me what I need to know.

Palwasha has sent me a message on FB, so I need to write her a long message. I haven’t been on FB in a long while. I will give her Cassie’s and Jackie’s email addresses, and perhaps they can start a friendship. It would be great for them to have a friend their age in another culture.
I also began my gluten-free diet today. I had a poppy-seed bagel, which was not at all good: dry, tasteless, and the fact that I used the rancid butter from my fridge didn’t help the taste. When I tried to split the bagel to toast it, it was a bit frozen still and half of it fell apart. I froze the rest, and will try the English muffins next. When I do the bagel next time, I will certainly use cream cheese. That will help the taste. I tried lemon wafer cookies (good) and pretzels (very good). I also had yogurt today. Though it is 6:30 p.m., I really am not terribly hungry. I have a steak teriyaki bowl that I could eat; that is gluten-free.

I’ve been reading the Qur’an today and also a book about the Qur’an. Sort of getting ready for Ramadan. I also have a book of devotions for each day of Ramadan. It was written by an American woman who converted to Islam. I think that will be good.

I have not heard from Sabrina in 2 days. Yesterday I took the girls and their friend Elizabeth to lunch after Silver Bells practice, so I missed Juma’a. But they so seldom have a friend over, and she is a nice girl. I imagine Sabrina is in a panic as she gets ready for the cruise. They leave next Saturday. My next transporting of the girls is Wednesday afternoon, for Prep Day. I hope they complete their reading assignment and written assignments prior to their trip. I guess we are going to church tomorrow; I haven’t heard differently.

I’m starting to get a bit hungry now. Off to forage in the fridge and the gluten-free box!