A Day Together

Saturday we all went to SeaWorld after the open house at the School of Science and Technology. About the open house--Sabrina was bent out of shape because there was a misspelling on one of the PowerPoint slides. It was an obvious error to us, and she is worried that the school doesn't know English (the speaker, maybe principal?, had an accent). The girls didn't like it because it was quite small and not shiny and new. They both want to go to Holmes (Business Careers).

We then went to SeaWorld. Sabrina and Clint raced around the place; we did see some shows. I really enjoyed the Orca show, of course, but the other two shows had slapstick comedy, which I don't enjoy. I was able to buy a couple of small gifts for Ayesha. Jackie was reprimanded by a woman when Jackie used a term that wasn't polite language. Sabrina really should be aware of her language and theirs. It isn't the best; they all swear a lot. Then Sabrina teased Jackie about it, and Clint yelled something, so Jackie cried all the way home.

After we returned to Sabrina's house, I got into my car and went to get something to eat. As I pulled into our complex, my phone began to ring. And ring again. So when I stopped the car, I saw that it was Cassie and she called again. It seems that they had locked themselves out of the house. I don't know why they don't keep their house keys on their key chain for the car, but apparently they don't. So I had to go back over there to open out their house. 

I had planned on trying to eat quickly and then go to prayers, but the trip back to Sabrina's took a bit of time, and I did feel very tired, so I didn't go. I said my prayers at home and went to bed rather early. I had a migraine and then didn't sleep well.

So Sunday I was tired. I didn't take a shower but should have. I had to leave in a half hour to go to church with the girls when I was originally writing this. I gave the girls journals Saturday--Cassie loved the big journals. She writes a lot. I took them  to Red Lobster today after church. They also supposed got some information about the mission trip to Matamoras. I doubt Sabrina will allow them to go on that, but she should email Malachi about about it. We packaged Jayden and Chiara's gifts, and the girls sent an Easter card to Chris, who leaves Monday.

I went to see John today (Monday) and told him about my dinner with Sabrina. He was interested in what attracted me to Islam. For me, it was the focus on one God and acknowledging Jesus as anointed by God, but not himself God. It made sense to John, and he asked me about prayers, etc. He said that this was the most calm and peaceful he has seen me in a long time. I do feel at one with God when I pray; it has a centering effect on me. I wish Sabrina could understand or want to understand the spiritual aspect of my life. Maybe she could better accept my decisions about my life. 

I sort of feel like I have feet in two worlds, though. I have to pretend not to have adopted Islam when I'm around her and the girls, but that IS what I have done. She says it will confuse them. I don't know if it will or not, but I do wish she could really accept my decision. I'm just thankful to God that she has not followed through with her suggestion to take the girls to CS Church. Even John agrees that the Pastor JH is a dangerous, sick person. All I know is that they believe Islam is evil and are working hard to bring about the end of the world so that Jesus will return. I don't think Jesus needs JH's help. God knows what He is going to do and I don't think JH is in on the plan. Thanks be to God!

Last Night's Dinner

I had dinner with Sabrina last night. I know it was at John's suggestion, but however it came about, it was good for us to spend time together and talk. She told me that Cassie is seeing a therapist, and Jackie and Clint are also going to go. It has to do with Cassie's anger issues, primarily, but apparently (don't I know this?!) the therapist would also like to see Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina, too. Cassie says she needs another journal, because she doesn't want to use her Twilight journals until a certain date, for some reason.

We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.

Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.

Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.

Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST)  because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family. 

So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.   

A Tough Week and Weekend

This past week and weekend were a bit difficult. Although I did have a wonderful day on Thursday when I was able to take the girls to Fredericksburg and the LBJ Ranch, I made the mistake of wearing my hajib, and the girls must have mentioned it to Sabrina. (There was another woman wearing hajib at the Ranch and Jackie said, "Look, Nana! You've got a friend like you!") I went to Juma'a at the Islamic Center on Friday, but missed Friday and Saturday evening prayers at Timberhill.

When I talked to Sabrina on Saturday about taking the girls to church on Sunday, she was a little hot about it and started in on a lecture. The most upsetting part was that she said Clint would take the girls to CS Church, a church that I KNOW is very hostile to Islam and fixated on the End of Days.They are actually praying and working to make them come about (so Jesus will return). CS a megachurch--over 5,000 members--but Sabrina is impressed that it has an evening service that would mean Clint would not have to get up early (she has no intention of going to ANY church). I was rather distraught about her "plan." The girls like "their" church and feel comfortable there. They would like Sabrina to go, too, but that's not happening. Once again she talked about how I was a negative influence, and wanted to know why John wanted to see her alone on Monday. I told her that he thought they could talk more freely, and I would not become defensive and get off-track. John told me that he didn't want her to start attacking me--same difference. So Saturday late afternoon was a very sad time, but my prayers brought me comfort.

Later in the evening, Jackie texted me about going to church, and I decided to tell her the truth--that her mother had said I could not take them. I told her that I wanted to go with them, but could not go against her mother's wishes. Apparently, she and her mom had a little talk, and some minutes later, Jackie texted back that her mom said they could go with me. I was so happy that Sabrina had changed her mind (probably decided it was too much effort for Clint to take the girls to church--he is much bluster, and I don't think he belongs in this decision anyway). God is so good.

So we three were able to go to Rockhills on Sunday. I did not wear my hajib, as promised (plus THAT would have caused turmoil at church and embarrassment for the girls). The girls (once they had left home after a screaming match amongst Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina) were happy to be at church; there were even 2 other girls in their class.  I was not uncomfortable.  We didn't have our regular music because Chris was at South X Southwest in Austin so the music wasn't great, but Dave gave a good sermon on God's covenant with Abraham, after he reviewed "The Fall." He talked about how we basically have a self-centered nature, and need God in our lives to combat that. Of course, Christians believe that Jesus died to make us righteous before God, while Muslims believe that God forgave the transgression in the Garden and there was no need for sacrifice. But we all need to focus ourselves on the God who made us and worship Him. It was good to hear our pastor talking about the Hebrew stories and the history of God and His prophets. So many people have no clue about the history of God's interaction with us, and how people have violated His covenant with humans and refused to listen to the prophets that He has sent us throughout the centuries. As George Bernard Shaw said (to paraphrase), no one knows if Christianity works because no one has ever tried it. (I would disagree, because the early Jerusalem Christians tried to live as Jesus taught and that life worked for them quite well. Paul changed all that, with his emphasis on Jesus as God--which I cannot accept--and his form of Christianity was eventually adopted. In my opinion,it's been downhill ever since!)

Then we went for lunch to "our" Red Lobster. Yikes! It was closed, because a new one is opening across the street. But to our chagrin, the new one was not opened until the next day! Oh No! What to do? Where to go for lunch? Major decisions for a grandmother and her 14-year-old granddaughters. Cassie was instrumental in the decision to go to Denny's, which I thought was an interesting choice until we got in there and I realized that her motive was pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, specifically, but for Cassie, any pancakes will do. I think they are her favorite food. And she happily gobbled them down! Jackie got her usual double cheeseburger,  and I had a Philly steak sandwich (Cassie ate the french fries). 

Then, they had their first banana split. They had seen it on the menu, and it looked so good that they asked to try one. Banana splits are special and delicious, for sure. So we shared a beautiful banana split. How exciting for them!

I took them home around 2 pm, and all was dark and quiet in their house. Sabrina and Clint must have still been in bed, or laying about upstairs. When we left the house to go to church, Jackie said that she wished that she didn't have to go back, but she was better when we reached their home. They joked that if things got unbearble, they would show up on my doorstep. 

Apparently, things were okay. They went to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream later in the day. Then Jackie called in the evening and said they were coming over yesterday (Monday) to help me clean as part of their service project. So I thought it was a good idea to pick up piles of junk that was all over the upstairs, both in my bedroom and all over the bathroom. I bagged all that junk, and then the girls took it out to the dumpster. They took out some downstairs junk and the garage stuff, too. That really helped. I got very tired bagging the upstairs stuff. I really need to clean the dining room table ASAP because I have to find the documents to do my taxes (and I need to get my computer back from Sabrina's house to help me sort out my 2009 expenses for taxes). 

As a strategy, I decided that I would tackle one small area of the living room/dining room every day. That might be manageable. For example, maybe today I'll deal with the top of the coffee table. Then tomorrow I can clean underneath the coffee table. Then work on the dining room table (that might take a couple of days). Then the girls can come back to help carry out bags again, and Jackie can help organize things. She is an excellent organizer and has great ideas. What wonderful granddaughters I have been blessed with! Thank you, God!

Sabrina did go to see John yesterday. She was annoyed, of course, that he is always a bit late (10 minutes or so) but I don't know how their visit actually went and I didn't ask. I will probably find out something, though, because Sabrina texted me last night about going to dinner on Thursday. I asked if I was going to be upset or surprised or ambushed, but she said "No," nothing bad, just to talk. I know THAT'S a "John" idea. So I will go, sans hajib.. I have now agreed that I won't wear my hajib around her or the girls. It seems like "cheating," but it keeps the peace with her and at least she won't be "set off."

I told PB in a message about what was going on here, and she nailed it. Fear on Sabrina's part,because she doesn't understand my spiritual journey--how is God speaking to me. I can't even begin to explain it to her, because it is such a foreign concept to her, I think. Maybe John explained it better. (He said I wasn't crazy--just "different"). PB is dealing with a 14-year-old step-son who is talented in art; she and his father want him to come to live with them so he could go to Gldrland schools where he could learn in some great art classes, but he lives with his mother in Cbskl and they have few opportunities in that small town. I had mentioned private lessons in voice for Cassie and enrolling Jackie in SWSAC for the summer for her art. PB thinks that is probably the way to go. I respect her opinion as an artist. The arts almost have to be a beloved hobby because fine arts are so competitive and one cannot sustain oneself just with his/her talent, for the most part.

Sabrina asked me to go with them next Saturday to the School of Science & Technology High School, a charter school in Alamo Heights, to see about the girls going there for High School. It's a small school, but they seem to offer good courses, except for fine arts. But we can compensate for that. I will probably have to drive them there (no transportation because it is a private school, but no tuition because it is a charter school). Major decisions about their lives. Sabrina needs to ask lots of questions in the interview, especially about percentage of students who go to college and where they go. Funny--as well as Spanish (which students must take--Yay!), they offer Turkish and courses in Turkish culture. How interesting! I like that. Maybe they will learn a bit about Islam; who knows? 

Cassie was accepted to Health Careers High School and Jackie to Business Careers High School, magnet schools in Northside ISD. Cassie was also accepted into Construction Careers High School, but since that school is at John Jay High School, even if she were interested, Sabrina would NEVER let her go there because of the neighborhood. (It is very dangerous.) Jackie really wanted to go to Health Careers but didn't get in, so SST may be the way to go for both of them. They offer advanced math and science courses, and computer graphics which Jackie may like. May God lead us in the correct direction to take for their lives.

I did hear from NP this week. I was going to meet her at OASIS after a talk on Wednesday, but I was feeling ill--migraine and upset stomach. I was also scheduled to have dinner that evening with Gretchen H, but had to cancel. She is such a dear woman whom I would like to know better. I didn't hear from AH all weekend, but he tried to talk to me on FB last night (I wasn't on) and then texted me late (11:30 pm) to see how things were going. I'm glad there are people who care about me. I plan to go to Islam 101 tomorrow night at the Islamic Center. And I'd like to go to the Women's Study there on Saturday late afternoon before Saturday prayers at Timberhill, but I don't know if I would be allowed. I will have to check. 

I guess at some point I need to decide just where my "home" masjid will be. Shi'a or Sunni.

I've written much, so I'd better say prayers--sun is up. 

The Sh%t Has Hit The Fan

Here is the background of my story.  I have been a spiritual seeker all my life; thanks be to Allah, a long life. I went to Roman Catholic schools all my life, even undergraduate university. My family was very religious, especially my mother. She was a convert to Catholicism. When I was in my 20s, I turned away from God due to something my mother-in-law said, because I was not mature enough to understand that was her opinion (a wrong one) and not the truth of God. When Sabrina was about 4, I returned to God and went back to RC church, the church I knew. There were MANY things about the RC church I could not accept, but my pastor convinced me to stay because he said (rightly) the people--not the pope or bishops or priests--were the real church. But then he was moved to another church, and the new pastor was very old school--very "by the book," we say. I could not accept that faith. I started going to Lutheran Christian church (Sabrina was about 13) and have gone to Lutheran church ever since, until this last year. Unbelievably, I could not find a Lutheran church in all of San Antonio, a city of 1.8 million people, many of German descent who are Lutheran, that was a good "fit" for me. So I finally began going to a small non-denominational Christian church, sort of "come as you are," and it was ok. That's where the girls and I have been attending. There is an emphasis on service, as Jesus told us to do. 

But for many months and years as I read and studied, I have come more and more to believe that I cannot confess that Jesus is God. If Jesus is God, Christianity has more than one god. Christianity has a doctrine called the doctrine of the Trinity, 3 persons in One God. I can give a better argument than most seminarians for the Trinity, but I cannot accept it. I still see it as believing in 3 gods. So for me, that left Judaism or Islam for belief in the One True God. I believe, however, that Muhammad was a Great Prophet sent by God and have always believed that. I believed that from my own study and reading, certainly not what I was taught in school, except in Comparative Religions courses, where I learned about many religions. So I had reached the point where I didn't believe that Jesus was God; a Great Prophet for sure, and God's Holy Anointed Messenger for his time and the Messiah, but not God. And I also believed, the more I read and studied the Holy Bible, that St Paul, who wrote most of the books in the New (Greek) Testament actually was the one who promoted this falsehood of Jesus as God and "hijacked" Christianity into a new religion deifying Jesus, instead of remaining a sect of Judaism, which Jesus intended. He never intended to start a new religion, certainly not with himself as the center.
 
SO it was like a slap up side the head by God when this term, OASIS, the senior center I attend, offered Arabic class, a lecture on Women in Islam, and an Interfaith trip to one of our mosques. It was as if God was saying, "Pay attention here!" And so I did. At the masjid at juma (communal prayers), I heard more about what Isa (Jesus) taught than I have heard in most Christian churches! I felt so at peace there. And just going through the motions of the Salat (prayer) seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. So I listened to God and "took the plunge," so to speak, and adopted Islam as my way of life. But it is not without difficulty.

Now, something terrible has happened. My daughter is concerned that because I have adopted Islam, I am confusing my granddaughters and am now a negative influence in their lives. She wants us both to go to see my therapist next week, which is a good thing, I guess (though he has prejudices against Islam for various reasons, as I've mentioned before). But the worst part is that she wants to limit my access to the girls. She thinks I will fill their heads with confusing and conflicting things--some things she mentioned were harmless fun we were having with each other and had nothing to do with Islam. She thinks I just want attention. The girls are upset because they like the church we went to and want to go there still, but they don't want to go alone. Yesterday I told them that I would talk to the pastors about what to do about that. Ideally, they would like their mother to attend church with them. Unfortunately, Cassie has talked about changing her name (it was in a totally different context) and is wondering if she should become a Muslim. Jackie is very spiritual and called her mother out in the car yesterday about the fact that her mother should be going to church herself, when Sabrina said, "Why don't we just be atheists?" It was disrepectful of Jackie to say that to her mother, but my daughter has to realize they are developing their own spiritual lives and need to live them out. Sabrina texted me all morning when I asked her what this conference with the therapist was about, and she told me, in not very nice terms, that I am a bad influence on the girls. I am heartsick over this, and I know this is a great test of my own spirituality. I am praying and I have asked my friends to pray for me, too, to pass through this trial. So far, it's given me a migraine (no surprise there!), and the good thing is that I will see my therapist alone tomorrow, and we can talk about this before Sabrina comes barreling into his office and makes me out as some sort of insane woman. She says I have the mentality of a 12-year-old. I wonder if she ever considers God and her own spirituality, or if that is too difficult to face. I am glad that the girls care so deeply about God, but I don't want them to suffer at the hands of their mother and a know-it-all step-father (who thinks I'm crazy because he lived in Saudi Arabia and "knows" all about Islam). And to not be able to be with the girls would be a death for me.
 
That is the story, short version. I do not regret my decision; I know I made the right decision. My daughter doesn't realize how intelligent her girls are. I know I have confused them and for this I am sorry, and for making their lives more complicated.  InshAllah we can work out something with the church. I have to email the pastors and try to explain all this. I would be willing to wear my veil but not as severe as when I go to masjid. I would even not wear the veil, if that would be the condition for coming to church. The girls want to stay there and I want them to stay there where they are comfortable and where they believe and feel welcome.

I will email the pastors tonight and see what transpires. I know they won't turn the girls away, and may not turn me away either. InshAllah all will work out well.

An Up & Down Week

Well, there it is. I have officially told my daughter that I have adopted Islam as my way of life. I expect the phone to chime with a text message (there it goes now) with her response. Odd. She doesn't seem to get it, or doesn't see a problem with it, one or the other. She asked "What controversy?" there would be tomorrow with me attending church services.
I did have an up and down week. One night I had a meltdown when I had missed a prayer and felt like I didn't understand anything I was saying. I ended up crying and asking God to forgive me and please put up with me, even though I didn't know what I was doing but I was trying to be a good Muslim. And felt like I was failing. But after I had a good cry, I realized that God is merciful and compassionate and loves me, and DOES put up with me. So I got up and kept saying my prayers. Like a missed a prayer today. I'm not proud or happy about it, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I said the Dusk prayer, and I'll say my Night prayer and God will hear me.
Sabrina does understand what's happening, it seems, and now doesn't want the girls to go to church. So I feel terrible that I am the cause of pulling them away from God. I know she would never let them go to the masjid. They will probably be more upset that they don't have a place to do service projects. At least Sabrina will be upset about it. She just doesn't want the girls involved in a controversy at church. I can understand that. I don't want to put them in the middle of anything either. I guess I owe the pastors an explanation, so I will email them and also ask their advice about the girls. I wish they could go to the masjid for prayers and meet other Muslim youth. Somehow, I don't see Sabrina going along with that.
So you can see why I say it's been an up and down week. I went to the masjid on Fairhaven on Friday. I liked that. I was going to go to AH's masjid tonight but last night I fell asleep and tonight I just didn't get it together in time. 
Ayesha flipped out when I told her on FB today. She really couldn't believe it. I wrote her a long message about it and explained it. It's touching that she cares about me so much, more than my own family. My family just pretends nothing has happened and just wants no controversy. Narjis checked in with me yesterday. That was nice, too. Funny how other people care about me but my family doesn't. They don't understand my spiritual seeking. Could it be because they never thought about their own spiritual lives? Who can say?
I haven't told them that I've taken the name FaTima yet. That's the next bombshell. 

An Interesting Weekend

I fully expected that today would be my "coming out" day, that today Sabrina and Jackie and my church would find out that I have adopted Islam as my way of life. But, as things turned out, rains came down from the heavens today and gave me a migraine (along with the fact that I got only about 3 hours of sleep last night which probably contributed to the headache) so I was given a reprieve from facing the people I know and love most and explaining to them what has happened to me. I have begun to say my prayers now. I feel more like a true Muslim. I am using the information sheets that Lyana sent me, but I put them on index cards so it would be easier for me to use.
I had intended to go to services last night but Sabrina called just as I was about to leave and wanted to stop over with the girls who were returning from Austin and their trip to UT-Austin. Apparently one of the girls had great need of my facilities, so I knew that was important so I waited for them to arrive. However, half an hour later, Sabrina was still waiting for the bus to arrive, and then another half hour later, she called and said the girls had said they could wait until they got home. I was a bit annoyed, considering that Sabrina does have a key to my house and could have let herself and the girls in--I didn't have to be here--but I still think I did the right thing. John would tell me differently, I think, but I think I wanted to show them that they come first in my life, and I would do almost anything for them.
I had a wonderful experience at the masjid on Friday at prayers and then at the program later in the evening, The teacher from Austin spoke about patience, and about learning patience from things we like by using them in modernation and those we don't like by doing them and not avoiding them. There was a very poignant moment when he spoke about how many of the people had left their homelands with beautiful cities and nice climates and fresh, cool water to come to a strange land with strange customs and unbearable heat and salty water. And. I thought, persecution. The land of the free--not exactly. But it helped them learn patience. Maybe that's why AH is so patient with us in Arabic class. It brought me to tears to think about it, especially since today is election day in Iraq. Will the terror never stop?
NP found me on FB today. I was so glad to see her ask me for a friend. It will be a good way to message and talk about my journey of faith. I don't know what mosque she attends, but I know I have people praying for me. I feel a little sad that I have not heard from MM at Fairhaven about the class. I really would like to attend some classes or study, but the masjid doesn't have many opportunities for study. And it is a strict Shi'a sect, and I don't want to learn something wrong. But I want to study. What to do?
My need to learn and study always will get me into trouble, for sure!

Feeling Even Better Still

I chose a happy color to write with today because I wrote to AH my Arabic teacher last night to thank him last night for being so encouraging to me after class the other day, and I also used the Arabic keyboard to type "shurkran" whuch means "Thank you" in Arabic. Imagine my surprise when I received a reply this morning (I had written quite late--probably after 11 p.m.) from him, my dear brother, inviting me to attend services at his Masjid on Timberhill tomorrow for the special program for The Prophet's birthday. He did neglect to tell me the time, so I did write back to him and ask the time of the services, but I was also so excited and happy because he had mentioned me to some of the women at the Masjid and they are anxious to meet me! I may actually have friends! Wouldn't that be wonderful, if I could have women friends who could help me, with whom I could talk, who could help me learn to pray, who could teach me to wear the hajib properly (and neatly!)? How wonderful that would be! I have yet to hear back from brother Mike at the Masjid on Fairhaven, and that bothers me. It makes me feel that I am not really wanted there or that I would be over looked because it is such a large mosque. Maybe at a smaller masjid I would be happier. It is so nice of AH to help me. I was really so surprised. I hope he lets me know the time of the services so that I can go there and not have to stake it out.

I also have to wait for the delivery of Sabrina's new TV tomorrow. (Why do they need a new TV? My TV is older than theirs, both of mine are older.) Of course, they are all glued to the TV all the time. Well, what will she say if she is there when I show up in my "modest Muslim lady" attire? Then again, maybe she'll be gone. I hope.

I tried to onstall my Arabic Rosetta Stone, but my Spanish Rosetta Stone Application is apparently newer than the Arabic Application, so I have to uninstall the Spanish before I can install the Arabic. So on Monday afternoon, I will go to the Apple Store and get them to help me do that. I refuse to annoy myself over this. Bad enough that I have to figure out what to do about this printer business. I guess I had better work on that next week or the week after. I had better get serious about that.

I also have to go pray now. I don't know the right words to pray, but I am using words from the Qur'an so I hope Allah hears my prayers. They are earnest and sincere. I believe he will. I know he loves me and knows I mean well.

I should finish this and publish it before Sabrina calls with my "directions" for tomorrow. I don't want to mess up my assignment!

Feeling Less Alone

I went to Arabic class today. It was our 2nd to last class. We all want OASIS to continue the classes next term. So does Hussein. We also want the classes to be twice a week, 4 hours rather than 2 hours. How else will we learn? Hussein looked at me when he came in and said, you look very nice today. I was wearing my veil and a tunic dress, slacks, and a long-sleeved long red sweater. Florine loved my Sketchers. Ralph brought Middle Eastern pastries. We may go over to Jerusalem restaurant next week and celebrate the end of the term.
At the end of class, Hussein said, do you want to tell me why you are dressed so nice? So I did. We had a nice chat. I told him the whole story, and he was really encouraging to me about adopting Islam. He said if I needed to talk or if I wanted to go to the mosque he goes to, or felt alone, to call him or email him. He gave me his phone numbers and email and really was great in making me feel that things were going to be okay. He attends a mosque over by Ingram Mall, near to where he lives. This week is The Prophet's birthday, so there will be a lot of people in attendance.
I will email him tonight and thank him for making me feel less anxious about things. The funny thing was that I picked up Cassie at school and she didn't say anything about how I was dressed. Not a thing. Didn't phase her in the least. Good old Cassie. I love her.

Well, I Blew my Therapist's Mind!

I went to my appointment with my therapist today. I've been seeing John for well over 10 years (yeah, I'm severely depressed and probably always will be, says my psychiatrist). But today was the first day that I actually wore my hajib (headscarf) out in public, except for the time I've gone to the mosque. I was sitting in the waiting room. He didn't recognize me! I was also wearing my Pakistani outfit but it has short sleeves so I had my jacket on. I forget what it's called. If I think hard enough I could come up with the words. Doesn't matter. They are comfortable--long tunic and pants. But I did tell him what I was doing. He wasn't all that thrilled; he has a lot of misconceptions about Islam, too, I think. He recommended a book (John's standard procedure) on how radical Islam is destroying Europe. I don't think I'm involved with radical Islam. I tried to explain that this has to do with my belief in One God, and my belief in the decline of values in society. He thinks it has to do with my relationship with Sabrina, but that I should stand firm and not take any shit from her about it, not "announce" it, just let her find out naturally. She'll find out when she sees me in a hajib. And I'll get grief for it. I just have to not get defensive. She's going to say I'm off on another "jag." Well, it doesn't matter who says what. It's my life.I have to do what I feel I'm being called to do. Now if I can just get to be able to wear the hajib neatly and nicely.
Time to make sure I know my Arabic numbers.