I'm writing in red because I am pissed off (sorry, not a very Muslim term, but it's what I'm feeling). A couple of weeks ago on Mother's Day, my one and only daughter picked me up and we went for a lovely massage. I wore modest (but trendy) clothing and a loosely draped, see-through oblong scarf over my head. Mind you, my hair was showing; it looked elegant; it was NOT hijab! The first words out of my daughter's mouth when I entered to car were, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't wear your 'get-up' when you are with me and the girls." I took a deep breath, and replied, "I am not wearing hijab. Scarves are trendy. It's just draped around my head. What's the problem?" No answer. The ride was rather tense after that. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife (over-used metaphor).
Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.
Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.
So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.
This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!
I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.
I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's Been A While
It's been a while since I've written. I got caught up in the Face Book frenzy, and just neglected writing on my blog.
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Mystical Side of Islam
Last Thursday I experienced some of the mystical side of Islam. Every major religion seems to have its mystical component: Judaism has Kabballah, Christianity has Gnosis, and Islam has Sufi. I am attracted to the mystical, to coming closer to God through meditative prayer and song, through focusing one's attention totally on experiencing the nearness of God.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Getting More Involved in islamic Life
I have been abiding by Sabrina's request not to wear my hijab around her and the girls, nor do I talk about Islam around them. I have been taking the girls to church every week and we usually have lunch afterward.
On Easter Sunday, the church sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt for the people in the neighborhood surrounding Huebner Elementary School where the church worship services are held. The girls helped to place the candy-filled eggs on the playing-field. Then we went back to their house, and all of us went to a restaurant for Easter brunch. There was a little tension because Sabrina really didn't want to go because she had been sick all night and was not feeling well and was tired. At the church event, Cassie had called her about something, and in her anger, Sabrina told her that she didn't want to see Cassie for the rest of the day. Cassie was upset then, and told me that she felt like her mother didn't want her around. I tried to console her; she and Jackie also had some problems and I tried to smooth those over.
Eventually we went to eat brunch, and it was a little tense. Clint tends to criticize the girls for even little things, and the girls resent it. When we returned to their house, I told Cassie that she should talk to her therapist about how she feels at her next appointment, and in the meantime, she should write down her feelings in her journal. She said she would. Both girls gave me big hugs when I left. It's difficult to leave them when I know they are upset.
While we were at church, I got a message from Narjis to call her. She and some sisters get together for lunch on Sundays around 1 p.m. and wanted to know if I would like to join them. I explained that I was going to brunch with my family after church that day, but I'd love to join them another Sunday. She had been meaning to call me earlier, she said, because it would be good for me to meet new people. I will have to work out something with taking the girls out to eat if I go with Narjis and these women, however, because they like to go out to eat with me and look forward to that. So maybe we can go to dinner on Sunday night.
I went onto YouTube this past week and found some videos on saying Salaat. One in particular was very good, because it went through the prayers slowly and phonetically. The prayers were a bit different from the ones in the brochure Lyana sent me. So I've been saying the ones from YouTube because they are more like the ones we say at the Islamic Center.
I have been attending Friday prayers (juma'a) every week at the Islamic Center. I get a lot out of the iman's sermons and I feel peaceful during prayers. This past Friday the prayers were crowded because schools were closed for Good Friday, so there were many children there.
Narjis invited me to join the Yahoo group Tri-Faith Dialog, a group that brings together Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I know she is very involved in these activities, and this is very dear to my heart--that we would all get along since we worship the same God. Narjis also invited me to attend a dhikr, A Circle of Remembrance, on Thursday night. She said this is the mystical (Sufi) side of Islam, so I am very interested in it. She said usually 5-6 women attend, and they meet at different homes (I'd better clean!). I am very grateful that she is "mentoring" me.
Tonight I am going to try to attend the Islam 101 class at the Islamic Center. I have been bothered by allergies, but I really want to start going to this class and learning more about Islam. I also would like to start attending the women's Qur'an class on Saturday late afternoon.
I have been reading the Holy Qur'an and Hadiths. I try to read a little every day. I feel very peaceful when I read, and I know God is speaking through them.
Today in an email, Connie asked me about my name change (FaTima), so I told her of my conversion. I told her I hope she would still be my friend--we have been friends for so long. She wrote back that of course she was still my friend, but she would try to stir me back to Christianity. That's okay. I just glad she's my friend.
So I am settling into being a Muslima. Laiba was concerned about me attending Shi'ite services and learning the "wrong" things. She is Sunni, and I am more comfortable at the Sunni Islamic Center than at the Shi'ite masjid. Something just tells me that the Islamic Center is where I should be, so that is where I am going.
On Easter Sunday, the church sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt for the people in the neighborhood surrounding Huebner Elementary School where the church worship services are held. The girls helped to place the candy-filled eggs on the playing-field. Then we went back to their house, and all of us went to a restaurant for Easter brunch. There was a little tension because Sabrina really didn't want to go because she had been sick all night and was not feeling well and was tired. At the church event, Cassie had called her about something, and in her anger, Sabrina told her that she didn't want to see Cassie for the rest of the day. Cassie was upset then, and told me that she felt like her mother didn't want her around. I tried to console her; she and Jackie also had some problems and I tried to smooth those over.
Eventually we went to eat brunch, and it was a little tense. Clint tends to criticize the girls for even little things, and the girls resent it. When we returned to their house, I told Cassie that she should talk to her therapist about how she feels at her next appointment, and in the meantime, she should write down her feelings in her journal. She said she would. Both girls gave me big hugs when I left. It's difficult to leave them when I know they are upset.
While we were at church, I got a message from Narjis to call her. She and some sisters get together for lunch on Sundays around 1 p.m. and wanted to know if I would like to join them. I explained that I was going to brunch with my family after church that day, but I'd love to join them another Sunday. She had been meaning to call me earlier, she said, because it would be good for me to meet new people. I will have to work out something with taking the girls out to eat if I go with Narjis and these women, however, because they like to go out to eat with me and look forward to that. So maybe we can go to dinner on Sunday night.
I went onto YouTube this past week and found some videos on saying Salaat. One in particular was very good, because it went through the prayers slowly and phonetically. The prayers were a bit different from the ones in the brochure Lyana sent me. So I've been saying the ones from YouTube because they are more like the ones we say at the Islamic Center.
I have been attending Friday prayers (juma'a) every week at the Islamic Center. I get a lot out of the iman's sermons and I feel peaceful during prayers. This past Friday the prayers were crowded because schools were closed for Good Friday, so there were many children there.
Narjis invited me to join the Yahoo group Tri-Faith Dialog, a group that brings together Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I know she is very involved in these activities, and this is very dear to my heart--that we would all get along since we worship the same God. Narjis also invited me to attend a dhikr, A Circle of Remembrance, on Thursday night. She said this is the mystical (Sufi) side of Islam, so I am very interested in it. She said usually 5-6 women attend, and they meet at different homes (I'd better clean!). I am very grateful that she is "mentoring" me.
Tonight I am going to try to attend the Islam 101 class at the Islamic Center. I have been bothered by allergies, but I really want to start going to this class and learning more about Islam. I also would like to start attending the women's Qur'an class on Saturday late afternoon.
I have been reading the Holy Qur'an and Hadiths. I try to read a little every day. I feel very peaceful when I read, and I know God is speaking through them.
Today in an email, Connie asked me about my name change (FaTima), so I told her of my conversion. I told her I hope she would still be my friend--we have been friends for so long. She wrote back that of course she was still my friend, but she would try to stir me back to Christianity. That's okay. I just glad she's my friend.
So I am settling into being a Muslima. Laiba was concerned about me attending Shi'ite services and learning the "wrong" things. She is Sunni, and I am more comfortable at the Sunni Islamic Center than at the Shi'ite masjid. Something just tells me that the Islamic Center is where I should be, so that is where I am going.
Monday, March 29, 2010
A Day Together
Saturday we all went to SeaWorld after the open house at the School of Science and Technology. About the open house--Sabrina was bent out of shape because there was a misspelling on one of the PowerPoint slides. It was an obvious error to us, and she is worried that the school doesn't know English (the speaker, maybe principal?, had an accent). The girls didn't like it because it was quite small and not shiny and new. They both want to go to Holmes (Business Careers).
We then went to SeaWorld. Sabrina and Clint raced around the place; we did see some shows. I really enjoyed the Orca show, of course, but the other two shows had slapstick comedy, which I don't enjoy. I was able to buy a couple of small gifts for Ayesha. Jackie was reprimanded by a woman when Jackie used a term that wasn't polite language. Sabrina really should be aware of her language and theirs. It isn't the best; they all swear a lot. Then Sabrina teased Jackie about it, and Clint yelled something, so Jackie cried all the way home.
After we returned to Sabrina's house, I got into my car and went to get something to eat. As I pulled into our complex, my phone began to ring. And ring again. So when I stopped the car, I saw that it was Cassie and she called again. It seems that they had locked themselves out of the house. I don't know why they don't keep their house keys on their key chain for the car, but apparently they don't. So I had to go back over there to open out their house.
I had planned on trying to eat quickly and then go to prayers, but the trip back to Sabrina's took a bit of time, and I did feel very tired, so I didn't go. I said my prayers at home and went to bed rather early. I had a migraine and then didn't sleep well.
So Sunday I was tired. I didn't take a shower but should have. I had to leave in a half hour to go to church with the girls when I was originally writing this. I gave the girls journals Saturday--Cassie loved the big journals. She writes a lot. I took them to Red Lobster today after church. They also supposed got some information about the mission trip to Matamoras. I doubt Sabrina will allow them to go on that, but she should email Malachi about about it. We packaged Jayden and Chiara's gifts, and the girls sent an Easter card to Chris, who leaves Monday.
I went to see John today (Monday) and told him about my dinner with Sabrina. He was interested in what attracted me to Islam. For me, it was the focus on one God and acknowledging Jesus as anointed by God, but not himself God. It made sense to John, and he asked me about prayers, etc. He said that this was the most calm and peaceful he has seen me in a long time. I do feel at one with God when I pray; it has a centering effect on me. I wish Sabrina could understand or want to understand the spiritual aspect of my life. Maybe she could better accept my decisions about my life.
I sort of feel like I have feet in two worlds, though. I have to pretend not to have adopted Islam when I'm around her and the girls, but that IS what I have done. She says it will confuse them. I don't know if it will or not, but I do wish she could really accept my decision. I'm just thankful to God that she has not followed through with her suggestion to take the girls to CS Church. Even John agrees that the Pastor JH is a dangerous, sick person. All I know is that they believe Islam is evil and are working hard to bring about the end of the world so that Jesus will return. I don't think Jesus needs JH's help. God knows what He is going to do and I don't think JH is in on the plan. Thanks be to God!
We then went to SeaWorld. Sabrina and Clint raced around the place; we did see some shows. I really enjoyed the Orca show, of course, but the other two shows had slapstick comedy, which I don't enjoy. I was able to buy a couple of small gifts for Ayesha. Jackie was reprimanded by a woman when Jackie used a term that wasn't polite language. Sabrina really should be aware of her language and theirs. It isn't the best; they all swear a lot. Then Sabrina teased Jackie about it, and Clint yelled something, so Jackie cried all the way home.
After we returned to Sabrina's house, I got into my car and went to get something to eat. As I pulled into our complex, my phone began to ring. And ring again. So when I stopped the car, I saw that it was Cassie and she called again. It seems that they had locked themselves out of the house. I don't know why they don't keep their house keys on their key chain for the car, but apparently they don't. So I had to go back over there to open out their house.
I had planned on trying to eat quickly and then go to prayers, but the trip back to Sabrina's took a bit of time, and I did feel very tired, so I didn't go. I said my prayers at home and went to bed rather early. I had a migraine and then didn't sleep well.
So Sunday I was tired. I didn't take a shower but should have. I had to leave in a half hour to go to church with the girls when I was originally writing this. I gave the girls journals Saturday--Cassie loved the big journals. She writes a lot. I took them to Red Lobster today after church. They also supposed got some information about the mission trip to Matamoras. I doubt Sabrina will allow them to go on that, but she should email Malachi about about it. We packaged Jayden and Chiara's gifts, and the girls sent an Easter card to Chris, who leaves Monday.
I went to see John today (Monday) and told him about my dinner with Sabrina. He was interested in what attracted me to Islam. For me, it was the focus on one God and acknowledging Jesus as anointed by God, but not himself God. It made sense to John, and he asked me about prayers, etc. He said that this was the most calm and peaceful he has seen me in a long time. I do feel at one with God when I pray; it has a centering effect on me. I wish Sabrina could understand or want to understand the spiritual aspect of my life. Maybe she could better accept my decisions about my life.
I sort of feel like I have feet in two worlds, though. I have to pretend not to have adopted Islam when I'm around her and the girls, but that IS what I have done. She says it will confuse them. I don't know if it will or not, but I do wish she could really accept my decision. I'm just thankful to God that she has not followed through with her suggestion to take the girls to CS Church. Even John agrees that the Pastor JH is a dangerous, sick person. All I know is that they believe Islam is evil and are working hard to bring about the end of the world so that Jesus will return. I don't think Jesus needs JH's help. God knows what He is going to do and I don't think JH is in on the plan. Thanks be to God!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Last Night's Dinner
I had dinner with Sabrina last night. I know it was at John's suggestion, but however it came about, it was good for us to spend time together and talk. She told me that Cassie is seeing a therapist, and Jackie and Clint are also going to go. It has to do with Cassie's anger issues, primarily, but apparently (don't I know this?!) the therapist would also like to see Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina, too. Cassie says she needs another journal, because she doesn't want to use her Twilight journals until a certain date, for some reason.
We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.
Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.
Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.
Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST) because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family.
So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.
We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.
Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.
Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.
Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST) because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family.
So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Tough Week and Weekend
This past week and weekend were a bit difficult. Although I did have a wonderful day on Thursday when I was able to take the girls to Fredericksburg and the LBJ Ranch, I made the mistake of wearing my hajib, and the girls must have mentioned it to Sabrina. (There was another woman wearing hajib at the Ranch and Jackie said, "Look, Nana! You've got a friend like you!") I went to Juma'a at the Islamic Center on Friday, but missed Friday and Saturday evening prayers at Timberhill.
When I talked to Sabrina on Saturday about taking the girls to church on Sunday, she was a little hot about it and started in on a lecture. The most upsetting part was that she said Clint would take the girls to CS Church, a church that I KNOW is very hostile to Islam and fixated on the End of Days.They are actually praying and working to make them come about (so Jesus will return). CS a megachurch--over 5,000 members--but Sabrina is impressed that it has an evening service that would mean Clint would not have to get up early (she has no intention of going to ANY church). I was rather distraught about her "plan." The girls like "their" church and feel comfortable there. They would like Sabrina to go, too, but that's not happening. Once again she talked about how I was a negative influence, and wanted to know why John wanted to see her alone on Monday. I told her that he thought they could talk more freely, and I would not become defensive and get off-track. John told me that he didn't want her to start attacking me--same difference. So Saturday late afternoon was a very sad time, but my prayers brought me comfort.
Later in the evening, Jackie texted me about going to church, and I decided to tell her the truth--that her mother had said I could not take them. I told her that I wanted to go with them, but could not go against her mother's wishes. Apparently, she and her mom had a little talk, and some minutes later, Jackie texted back that her mom said they could go with me. I was so happy that Sabrina had changed her mind (probably decided it was too much effort for Clint to take the girls to church--he is much bluster, and I don't think he belongs in this decision anyway). God is so good.
So we three were able to go to Rockhills on Sunday. I did not wear my hajib, as promised (plus THAT would have caused turmoil at church and embarrassment for the girls). The girls (once they had left home after a screaming match amongst Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina) were happy to be at church; there were even 2 other girls in their class. I was not uncomfortable. We didn't have our regular music because Chris was at South X Southwest in Austin so the music wasn't great, but Dave gave a good sermon on God's covenant with Abraham, after he reviewed "The Fall." He talked about how we basically have a self-centered nature, and need God in our lives to combat that. Of course, Christians believe that Jesus died to make us righteous before God, while Muslims believe that God forgave the transgression in the Garden and there was no need for sacrifice. But we all need to focus ourselves on the God who made us and worship Him. It was good to hear our pastor talking about the Hebrew stories and the history of God and His prophets. So many people have no clue about the history of God's interaction with us, and how people have violated His covenant with humans and refused to listen to the prophets that He has sent us throughout the centuries. As George Bernard Shaw said (to paraphrase), no one knows if Christianity works because no one has ever tried it. (I would disagree, because the early Jerusalem Christians tried to live as Jesus taught and that life worked for them quite well. Paul changed all that, with his emphasis on Jesus as God--which I cannot accept--and his form of Christianity was eventually adopted. In my opinion,it's been downhill ever since!)
Then we went for lunch to "our" Red Lobster. Yikes! It was closed, because a new one is opening across the street. But to our chagrin, the new one was not opened until the next day! Oh No! What to do? Where to go for lunch? Major decisions for a grandmother and her 14-year-old granddaughters. Cassie was instrumental in the decision to go to Denny's, which I thought was an interesting choice until we got in there and I realized that her motive was pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, specifically, but for Cassie, any pancakes will do. I think they are her favorite food. And she happily gobbled them down! Jackie got her usual double cheeseburger, and I had a Philly steak sandwich (Cassie ate the french fries).
Then, they had their first banana split. They had seen it on the menu, and it looked so good that they asked to try one. Banana splits are special and delicious, for sure. So we shared a beautiful banana split. How exciting for them!
I took them home around 2 pm, and all was dark and quiet in their house. Sabrina and Clint must have still been in bed, or laying about upstairs. When we left the house to go to church, Jackie said that she wished that she didn't have to go back, but she was better when we reached their home. They joked that if things got unbearble, they would show up on my doorstep.
Apparently, things were okay. They went to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream later in the day. Then Jackie called in the evening and said they were coming over yesterday (Monday) to help me clean as part of their service project. So I thought it was a good idea to pick up piles of junk that was all over the upstairs, both in my bedroom and all over the bathroom. I bagged all that junk, and then the girls took it out to the dumpster. They took out some downstairs junk and the garage stuff, too. That really helped. I got very tired bagging the upstairs stuff. I really need to clean the dining room table ASAP because I have to find the documents to do my taxes (and I need to get my computer back from Sabrina's house to help me sort out my 2009 expenses for taxes).
As a strategy, I decided that I would tackle one small area of the living room/dining room every day. That might be manageable. For example, maybe today I'll deal with the top of the coffee table. Then tomorrow I can clean underneath the coffee table. Then work on the dining room table (that might take a couple of days). Then the girls can come back to help carry out bags again, and Jackie can help organize things. She is an excellent organizer and has great ideas. What wonderful granddaughters I have been blessed with! Thank you, God!
Sabrina did go to see John yesterday. She was annoyed, of course, that he is always a bit late (10 minutes or so) but I don't know how their visit actually went and I didn't ask. I will probably find out something, though, because Sabrina texted me last night about going to dinner on Thursday. I asked if I was going to be upset or surprised or ambushed, but she said "No," nothing bad, just to talk. I know THAT'S a "John" idea. So I will go, sans hajib.. I have now agreed that I won't wear my hajib around her or the girls. It seems like "cheating," but it keeps the peace with her and at least she won't be "set off."
I told PB in a message about what was going on here, and she nailed it. Fear on Sabrina's part,because she doesn't understand my spiritual journey--how is God speaking to me. I can't even begin to explain it to her, because it is such a foreign concept to her, I think. Maybe John explained it better. (He said I wasn't crazy--just "different"). PB is dealing with a 14-year-old step-son who is talented in art; she and his father want him to come to live with them so he could go to Gldrland schools where he could learn in some great art classes, but he lives with his mother in Cbskl and they have few opportunities in that small town. I had mentioned private lessons in voice for Cassie and enrolling Jackie in SWSAC for the summer for her art. PB thinks that is probably the way to go. I respect her opinion as an artist. The arts almost have to be a beloved hobby because fine arts are so competitive and one cannot sustain oneself just with his/her talent, for the most part.
Sabrina asked me to go with them next Saturday to the School of Science & Technology High School, a charter school in Alamo Heights, to see about the girls going there for High School. It's a small school, but they seem to offer good courses, except for fine arts. But we can compensate for that. I will probably have to drive them there (no transportation because it is a private school, but no tuition because it is a charter school). Major decisions about their lives. Sabrina needs to ask lots of questions in the interview, especially about percentage of students who go to college and where they go. Funny--as well as Spanish (which students must take--Yay!), they offer Turkish and courses in Turkish culture. How interesting! I like that. Maybe they will learn a bit about Islam; who knows?
Cassie was accepted to Health Careers High School and Jackie to Business Careers High School, magnet schools in Northside ISD. Cassie was also accepted into Construction Careers High School, but since that school is at John Jay High School, even if she were interested, Sabrina would NEVER let her go there because of the neighborhood. (It is very dangerous.) Jackie really wanted to go to Health Careers but didn't get in, so SST may be the way to go for both of them. They offer advanced math and science courses, and computer graphics which Jackie may like. May God lead us in the correct direction to take for their lives.
I did hear from NP this week. I was going to meet her at OASIS after a talk on Wednesday, but I was feeling ill--migraine and upset stomach. I was also scheduled to have dinner that evening with Gretchen H, but had to cancel. She is such a dear woman whom I would like to know better. I didn't hear from AH all weekend, but he tried to talk to me on FB last night (I wasn't on) and then texted me late (11:30 pm) to see how things were going. I'm glad there are people who care about me. I plan to go to Islam 101 tomorrow night at the Islamic Center. And I'd like to go to the Women's Study there on Saturday late afternoon before Saturday prayers at Timberhill, but I don't know if I would be allowed. I will have to check.
I guess at some point I need to decide just where my "home" masjid will be. Shi'a or Sunni.
I've written much, so I'd better say prayers--sun is up.
When I talked to Sabrina on Saturday about taking the girls to church on Sunday, she was a little hot about it and started in on a lecture. The most upsetting part was that she said Clint would take the girls to CS Church, a church that I KNOW is very hostile to Islam and fixated on the End of Days.They are actually praying and working to make them come about (so Jesus will return). CS a megachurch--over 5,000 members--but Sabrina is impressed that it has an evening service that would mean Clint would not have to get up early (she has no intention of going to ANY church). I was rather distraught about her "plan." The girls like "their" church and feel comfortable there. They would like Sabrina to go, too, but that's not happening. Once again she talked about how I was a negative influence, and wanted to know why John wanted to see her alone on Monday. I told her that he thought they could talk more freely, and I would not become defensive and get off-track. John told me that he didn't want her to start attacking me--same difference. So Saturday late afternoon was a very sad time, but my prayers brought me comfort.
Later in the evening, Jackie texted me about going to church, and I decided to tell her the truth--that her mother had said I could not take them. I told her that I wanted to go with them, but could not go against her mother's wishes. Apparently, she and her mom had a little talk, and some minutes later, Jackie texted back that her mom said they could go with me. I was so happy that Sabrina had changed her mind (probably decided it was too much effort for Clint to take the girls to church--he is much bluster, and I don't think he belongs in this decision anyway). God is so good.
So we three were able to go to Rockhills on Sunday. I did not wear my hajib, as promised (plus THAT would have caused turmoil at church and embarrassment for the girls). The girls (once they had left home after a screaming match amongst Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina) were happy to be at church; there were even 2 other girls in their class. I was not uncomfortable. We didn't have our regular music because Chris was at South X Southwest in Austin so the music wasn't great, but Dave gave a good sermon on God's covenant with Abraham, after he reviewed "The Fall." He talked about how we basically have a self-centered nature, and need God in our lives to combat that. Of course, Christians believe that Jesus died to make us righteous before God, while Muslims believe that God forgave the transgression in the Garden and there was no need for sacrifice. But we all need to focus ourselves on the God who made us and worship Him. It was good to hear our pastor talking about the Hebrew stories and the history of God and His prophets. So many people have no clue about the history of God's interaction with us, and how people have violated His covenant with humans and refused to listen to the prophets that He has sent us throughout the centuries. As George Bernard Shaw said (to paraphrase), no one knows if Christianity works because no one has ever tried it. (I would disagree, because the early Jerusalem Christians tried to live as Jesus taught and that life worked for them quite well. Paul changed all that, with his emphasis on Jesus as God--which I cannot accept--and his form of Christianity was eventually adopted. In my opinion,it's been downhill ever since!)
Then we went for lunch to "our" Red Lobster. Yikes! It was closed, because a new one is opening across the street. But to our chagrin, the new one was not opened until the next day! Oh No! What to do? Where to go for lunch? Major decisions for a grandmother and her 14-year-old granddaughters. Cassie was instrumental in the decision to go to Denny's, which I thought was an interesting choice until we got in there and I realized that her motive was pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, specifically, but for Cassie, any pancakes will do. I think they are her favorite food. And she happily gobbled them down! Jackie got her usual double cheeseburger, and I had a Philly steak sandwich (Cassie ate the french fries).
Then, they had their first banana split. They had seen it on the menu, and it looked so good that they asked to try one. Banana splits are special and delicious, for sure. So we shared a beautiful banana split. How exciting for them!
I took them home around 2 pm, and all was dark and quiet in their house. Sabrina and Clint must have still been in bed, or laying about upstairs. When we left the house to go to church, Jackie said that she wished that she didn't have to go back, but she was better when we reached their home. They joked that if things got unbearble, they would show up on my doorstep.
Apparently, things were okay. They went to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream later in the day. Then Jackie called in the evening and said they were coming over yesterday (Monday) to help me clean as part of their service project. So I thought it was a good idea to pick up piles of junk that was all over the upstairs, both in my bedroom and all over the bathroom. I bagged all that junk, and then the girls took it out to the dumpster. They took out some downstairs junk and the garage stuff, too. That really helped. I got very tired bagging the upstairs stuff. I really need to clean the dining room table ASAP because I have to find the documents to do my taxes (and I need to get my computer back from Sabrina's house to help me sort out my 2009 expenses for taxes).
As a strategy, I decided that I would tackle one small area of the living room/dining room every day. That might be manageable. For example, maybe today I'll deal with the top of the coffee table. Then tomorrow I can clean underneath the coffee table. Then work on the dining room table (that might take a couple of days). Then the girls can come back to help carry out bags again, and Jackie can help organize things. She is an excellent organizer and has great ideas. What wonderful granddaughters I have been blessed with! Thank you, God!
Sabrina did go to see John yesterday. She was annoyed, of course, that he is always a bit late (10 minutes or so) but I don't know how their visit actually went and I didn't ask. I will probably find out something, though, because Sabrina texted me last night about going to dinner on Thursday. I asked if I was going to be upset or surprised or ambushed, but she said "No," nothing bad, just to talk. I know THAT'S a "John" idea. So I will go, sans hajib.. I have now agreed that I won't wear my hajib around her or the girls. It seems like "cheating," but it keeps the peace with her and at least she won't be "set off."
I told PB in a message about what was going on here, and she nailed it. Fear on Sabrina's part,because she doesn't understand my spiritual journey--how is God speaking to me. I can't even begin to explain it to her, because it is such a foreign concept to her, I think. Maybe John explained it better. (He said I wasn't crazy--just "different"). PB is dealing with a 14-year-old step-son who is talented in art; she and his father want him to come to live with them so he could go to Gldrland schools where he could learn in some great art classes, but he lives with his mother in Cbskl and they have few opportunities in that small town. I had mentioned private lessons in voice for Cassie and enrolling Jackie in SWSAC for the summer for her art. PB thinks that is probably the way to go. I respect her opinion as an artist. The arts almost have to be a beloved hobby because fine arts are so competitive and one cannot sustain oneself just with his/her talent, for the most part.
Sabrina asked me to go with them next Saturday to the School of Science & Technology High School, a charter school in Alamo Heights, to see about the girls going there for High School. It's a small school, but they seem to offer good courses, except for fine arts. But we can compensate for that. I will probably have to drive them there (no transportation because it is a private school, but no tuition because it is a charter school). Major decisions about their lives. Sabrina needs to ask lots of questions in the interview, especially about percentage of students who go to college and where they go. Funny--as well as Spanish (which students must take--Yay!), they offer Turkish and courses in Turkish culture. How interesting! I like that. Maybe they will learn a bit about Islam; who knows?
Cassie was accepted to Health Careers High School and Jackie to Business Careers High School, magnet schools in Northside ISD. Cassie was also accepted into Construction Careers High School, but since that school is at John Jay High School, even if she were interested, Sabrina would NEVER let her go there because of the neighborhood. (It is very dangerous.) Jackie really wanted to go to Health Careers but didn't get in, so SST may be the way to go for both of them. They offer advanced math and science courses, and computer graphics which Jackie may like. May God lead us in the correct direction to take for their lives.
I did hear from NP this week. I was going to meet her at OASIS after a talk on Wednesday, but I was feeling ill--migraine and upset stomach. I was also scheduled to have dinner that evening with Gretchen H, but had to cancel. She is such a dear woman whom I would like to know better. I didn't hear from AH all weekend, but he tried to talk to me on FB last night (I wasn't on) and then texted me late (11:30 pm) to see how things were going. I'm glad there are people who care about me. I plan to go to Islam 101 tomorrow night at the Islamic Center. And I'd like to go to the Women's Study there on Saturday late afternoon before Saturday prayers at Timberhill, but I don't know if I would be allowed. I will have to check.
I guess at some point I need to decide just where my "home" masjid will be. Shi'a or Sunni.
I've written much, so I'd better say prayers--sun is up.
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