Where am I on this spiritual journey? I sometimes wonder. I am still committed to Islam and I feel drawn to Sufism. But then things come up such as my relationship with this particular man, also a Muslim. He's rather fundamental; I get butterflies thinking of him. But he is married; I am much older. He's younger than my daughter. We don't even really know each other. We just seem to have "chemistry" together. Is this relationship a good, right thing? I know Islam allows more than one wife (not officially, of course, in America) but we are "married" in the sense of Islam. I do have lots of questions. What about a contract? I agreed to flowers as a dowry. How crazy this all is. My spiritual path is taking some very interesting turns. Am I ready for this ride?
And why does '"radical" Islam' come up in the tags when I type in 'Islam"? THAT ticks me off immensely.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm Writing a Book
I am writing a book; how about that? The working title is "Guided to the Straight Path," which as Muslims know is from the Holy Qur'an 1:6. It seemed like the best title to explain my life in the past 9 months or so. It's about my spiritual journey. How did an American woman of Western European descent, raised in a devout Catholic family, come to adopt Islam as a way of life. Some people have told me that it might generate some interest. My cousin has a contact at a major publisher, and I have a few publishing contact from the time I worked for educational test publishing companies who also publish books.
It's been a good exercise for me personally, because it helps me see that from a very early age, I had a strong belief in God and Catholicism actually implanted many of those seeds. But all through my life, as I am planning out the book's structure, I can see how Allah was guiding me, leading me, as I had doubts and questions, trials and tribulations that I thought I could never survive. Of course, I know now that Allah has always been with me. Allah has a reason for everything; everything that happens to us is part of Allah's plan. Although we may not see any good coming out of a situation, Allah uses everything to teach us something or help us grow in our faith. As the Holy Qur'an tells us, Allah has a plan, and Allah always knows best. The longer I am here on this earth, the more clearly I see that this is absolutely true.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
How Does One Deal with Severe Depression and Anxiety, Islamically?
How does a person deal with severe depression ans terrible anxiety from an Islamic perspective? I am now struggling with this issue, and have been, for several weeks, ever since the incident at my daughter's home.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Maybe Things Will Change?
Haven't blogged in a bit, not since (I think) Sabrina went nuts about my request to were hijab during Ramadan. Then the fiasco happened when she threw me out of her house on August 23, after I had house-sat for her animals for 9 days while she was on a cruise. I was told to leave because her husband told her to make me leave, after I had to tell them that their ill-behaved Chihuahua had bitten me badly, the wounds became infected, my physician had to file an incident report, and then the dog had to be quarantined because it didn't have its rabies shots. No matter than I was very ill from the infection and from the antibiotics (which had to be changed). No "thanks for caring for our home," just abuse.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Eid Mubarak!
Eid Mubarak! This is my first Eid al-Fitr. Ramadan is over. Did I accomplish all my goals for Ramadan? Well, it was a very trying and difficult first Ramadan for me. The first day of Ramadan started with the outrage of my daughter over my request to wear a loose head scarf when I picked up my granddaughters to take them to Prep Day at school, and in terms of my relationship with Sabrina, things went downhill from there. So, in that respect, this is NOT what I wanted to accomplish during Ramadan. But in all honesty, the decline in our relationship could not have been prevented, since it completely fell apart after I house-sat for her and Pako (the very ill-behaved Chihuahua) bite me viciously, with the bites becoming infected, my doctor having to file a dog-bite incident report, Pako going to the vet for quarantine, and culminating in my son-in-law telling my daughter that she had to tell me to leave HIS house immediately. It's still difficult to believe that my own child threw me out of her house, after I had cared for her house and animals for 9 days and been severely injured by her dog.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Happened?
What in the name that is all that is good and holy went wrong today? I merely texted Sabrina (as a courteousy) that I wanted to wear a loose head scarf since it's Ramadan, and she went balistic. Even though I relented and said I wouldn't wear it when I took the girls to school, she decided to take them herself. Then the girls had a problem and Clint had to go to school to straighten it out. Sabrina DEMANDED that I get an appointment for us with John. So I did, and got one for me next Monday. She claims that she is protecting her daughters; from what, I don't know. She sees me as fickle and too changeable.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
First Day of Ramadan
Today is the first day of Ramadan. I am both excited and a bit scared. I am excited about having a month dedicated to growing closer to God. I am scared that I will have a problem with fasting. I got up early, say the Tarajjud and Witr prayers, then ate a good breakfast: cereal and milk, yogurt, energy drink, very large glass of water, and a couple of dates. I am full! Now I have said Fajr and 4 extra rak'ahs; I am ready to take Ernie out, but he isn't really ready to go out. So I have time for him to wake up (he's downstairs but not really "awake").
Now it's time to read the Qur'an and also my devotional book. I'd like to be able to devote a lot of time to reading the Qur'an, but today is not going to be the day. I have to take Jackie and Cassie to a clinic to see if their immunizations are in order; then they have to go to Prep Day at school (they have to have their immunization records--"no shots, no school"). I hope all goes well for them during Prep Day. I'm not sure if I should stay there just in case or not.
I promised to take them to Kohls to buy school clothes after Prep Day. We have a 30% off coupon. I did tell them that they needed to eat before school because I am not taking them to eat.
I contacted ICSA about their Iftar, but they only sent me a prayer time schedule. I'm not sure if Imam Mahdi Masjid has prayers and Iftar every night or not. Guess I'll just have to ask.
ICSA started the Tarweed prayers last night. Since I wasn't really ready to go, I did say them at home last night, as well as the early prayers this morning and extra prayers after Fajr. I have asked God to help me be a better person and a better Muslim this month. I hope it will carry over throughout my life. That's why I tried to be so accommodating to Sabrina with this shot business. I am trying to be very kind to her because I know she is very stressed.
InshAllah God will bless me with His grace and help me. Ameen!
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