I haven't been to Juma'a (Friday prayers) in so long. This is true confession time. I feel agoraphobic much of the time and it is a very real difficulty for me to get myself out and do things. I would much rather stay safe in my home. I get very anxious when I know I am going out. I take my meds and sometimes they help and other times, not so much. I'm hoping that today is one of those days when I can get out to prayers. I like our sheikh's sermons and I feel better when I go to prayers. The more I do it, the easier it will become. I know that. But it's the getting out of the house that is a problem for me. Also the women's room is so crowded. Things will be better when the new masjid opens but for now it is hot and crowded and I worry about my passing out from the heat and closeness. My fears are real. I have a tendency to faint in those circumstances. I pray that today will be a start of a new chapter in my spiritual journey and I will be able to keep up with my responsibilities.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Saying Prayers and Being a Good Muslim
I know that I say my prayers (sometimes not in position but Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] prayed on a horse) but I just couldn't get myself together to go to the classes this week. My anxiety has hindered me from doing so many things. I really wanted to start classes this week but I just couldn't do it. Ramadan is coming and I hope that I will be better this year than last year when I felt so abandoned and sick. I don't know what's the matter with me. I wish I could feel a part of things, but I don't. I wish this feeling would go away.
Monday, March 28, 2011
I Shouldn"t Feel This Way
This morning I wrote in my blog about a time when I was "on fire." I wrote about the now infamous dog bit incident and realized that I still have a lot of unresolved anger about that. I still have unresolved anger about the snub on Christmas. I don't know if my relationship is any better with Sabrina now than it was months ago. She did loan me her car while my car was being repaired for 3 weeks which was very generous of her. But I feel such a distance from her and I don't want it to be this way, She's not keen on seeing John because he got off track the last time. Now I need to talk to John and tell him she's pissed off about the last time we were there. She's so pissed off that she doesn't want to go back. I feel like our relationship is slipping away. She thinks I'll be around forever but time is slipping by to fix our relationship. I have prayed so much about this that I am just about all prayed out. I don't know what to do. I know I have to talk to John about her anger at him. Is she angry at me too? I don't know because we just text but it seems from her texts that she's angry about something. I want so badly to have a good relationship with my daughter. I try not to push my religion on her, but she can't help but see me within my religion by mt dress. All I know is that she is very angry about something and I am clueless. I think she feels that we have not made much progress with John. Maybe we need a different therapist for our joint sessions. I don't know. I just know I want to have a good relationship with her and I don't right now and it breaks my heart. Allah, help me.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Dealing with Depression and Anxiety, Islamically
I would like to know how to deal with my depression and anxiety Islamically. I take my meds and try to meditate and go to my therapist. Someday I wonder if it is doing any good for me. I still get suicidal thoughts, and fights with Sabrina bring on these terrible thoughts. I am always anxious. Now my IBS has come back with a vengeance; I wonder if I will ever reach a stage where I will not need meds or seeing my therapist. I doubt it, because I am getting older and things will continue to go downhill. But I really wish I could live a normal life where my daughter excepts me for who I am, and I don't have all these medical problems and mental problem.
I think praying helps to focus me, Meditating has also helped a little. I didn't meditate today or yesterday, but I will try to do the meditation this morning. Maybe that will help my anxiety. Then maybe I can face the world.
I think praying helps to focus me, Meditating has also helped a little. I didn't meditate today or yesterday, but I will try to do the meditation this morning. Maybe that will help my anxiety. Then maybe I can face the world.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Meditating--Dhikr
Monday, January 24, 2011
I'm Trying
I have been trying to be a goof Muslima and make sure I say my prayers even though I tend to forget the Ishaa prayer because I get tired and forget and go to sleep before I egt to say it. It seems I remember it in the morning so I say it before Fajr. I don't want to say, "oh. well. I forgot. Never mind." So I say it in the morning if I've forgotten it at night. One night I forgot both the Maghrib and the Ishaa prayer and had to say them both in the morning.
Today I am getting rid of boxes and trash, and then I can assess what I have and what I want to get rid of. I have so much and and so much I don't need and need to give away or throw out. I should be grateful to have so much, but much I have is stuff I don't need and maybe someone else does need it. Especially the clothes. I could bag them and have the Salvation Army come and take them away; there is so many since I am wearing only Islamic clothing now. I can't work for very long because my back starts to hurt. I'd like to get the desk downstairs today if possible so I will try to clean off the end table so we can move the desk downstairs. I should put up the bookshelf, too, so I can put things on that. I will do that later today when there is more light.
I feel like I'm doing the right thing in getting rid of so much that I have and that other people could use, or that is just garbage. Inshallah.
Today I am getting rid of boxes and trash, and then I can assess what I have and what I want to get rid of. I have so much and and so much I don't need and need to give away or throw out. I should be grateful to have so much, but much I have is stuff I don't need and maybe someone else does need it. Especially the clothes. I could bag them and have the Salvation Army come and take them away; there is so many since I am wearing only Islamic clothing now. I can't work for very long because my back starts to hurt. I'd like to get the desk downstairs today if possible so I will try to clean off the end table so we can move the desk downstairs. I should put up the bookshelf, too, so I can put things on that. I will do that later today when there is more light.
I feel like I'm doing the right thing in getting rid of so much that I have and that other people could use, or that is just garbage. Inshallah.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Am I a Good Muslima?
Am I a good Muslima? I don't know. I think I could be a lot better. I say my prayers everyday, but sometimes when I'm driving and not in my prayer room. I'm trying to learn about the Sufi path. I haven't been to Juma' for the past couple of weeks; something always gets in the way: waiting for a phone call, etc. I missed Islamic studies again yesterday because of the Internet problem and waiting for Time Warner to fix it all day. Literally all day: from 9 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. I was ready to go to Juma' yesterday but I can't remember what came up. Something did and it got late and I didn't go. I really want to be a good Muslima, but I don't feel like I am. I feel I could be a lot better. When I go out with the family, it's always at a prayer time and I have to make it up. I don't feel comfortable saying, "I have to go pray now," since they are not respectful of my religion and my way of life. I have to pray to be a stonger Muslima and do what I should.
And Abudharr can jump in a lake. I'm glad I had already made up my mind that it wouldn't work and wasn't right. Now I don't have to deal with it. Thank Allah for small favors.
And Abudharr can jump in a lake. I'm glad I had already made up my mind that it wouldn't work and wasn't right. Now I don't have to deal with it. Thank Allah for small favors.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Where Am I?
Where am I on this spiritual journey? I sometimes wonder. I am still committed to Islam and I feel drawn to Sufism. But then things come up such as my relationship with this particular man, also a Muslim. He's rather fundamental; I get butterflies thinking of him. But he is married; I am much older. He's younger than my daughter. We don't even really know each other. We just seem to have "chemistry" together. Is this relationship a good, right thing? I know Islam allows more than one wife (not officially, of course, in America) but we are "married" in the sense of Islam. I do have lots of questions. What about a contract? I agreed to flowers as a dowry. How crazy this all is. My spiritual path is taking some very interesting turns. Am I ready for this ride?
And why does '"radical" Islam' come up in the tags when I type in 'Islam"? THAT ticks me off immensely.
And why does '"radical" Islam' come up in the tags when I type in 'Islam"? THAT ticks me off immensely.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm Writing a Book
I am writing a book; how about that? The working title is "Guided to the Straight Path," which as Muslims know is from the Holy Qur'an 1:6. It seemed like the best title to explain my life in the past 9 months or so. It's about my spiritual journey. How did an American woman of Western European descent, raised in a devout Catholic family, come to adopt Islam as a way of life. Some people have told me that it might generate some interest. My cousin has a contact at a major publisher, and I have a few publishing contact from the time I worked for educational test publishing companies who also publish books.
It's been a good exercise for me personally, because it helps me see that from a very early age, I had a strong belief in God and Catholicism actually implanted many of those seeds. But all through my life, as I am planning out the book's structure, I can see how Allah was guiding me, leading me, as I had doubts and questions, trials and tribulations that I thought I could never survive. Of course, I know now that Allah has always been with me. Allah has a reason for everything; everything that happens to us is part of Allah's plan. Although we may not see any good coming out of a situation, Allah uses everything to teach us something or help us grow in our faith. As the Holy Qur'an tells us, Allah has a plan, and Allah always knows best. The longer I am here on this earth, the more clearly I see that this is absolutely true.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
How Does One Deal with Severe Depression and Anxiety, Islamically?
How does a person deal with severe depression ans terrible anxiety from an Islamic perspective? I am now struggling with this issue, and have been, for several weeks, ever since the incident at my daughter's home.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Maybe Things Will Change?
Haven't blogged in a bit, not since (I think) Sabrina went nuts about my request to were hijab during Ramadan. Then the fiasco happened when she threw me out of her house on August 23, after I had house-sat for her animals for 9 days while she was on a cruise. I was told to leave because her husband told her to make me leave, after I had to tell them that their ill-behaved Chihuahua had bitten me badly, the wounds became infected, my physician had to file an incident report, and then the dog had to be quarantined because it didn't have its rabies shots. No matter than I was very ill from the infection and from the antibiotics (which had to be changed). No "thanks for caring for our home," just abuse.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Eid Mubarak!
Eid Mubarak! This is my first Eid al-Fitr. Ramadan is over. Did I accomplish all my goals for Ramadan? Well, it was a very trying and difficult first Ramadan for me. The first day of Ramadan started with the outrage of my daughter over my request to wear a loose head scarf when I picked up my granddaughters to take them to Prep Day at school, and in terms of my relationship with Sabrina, things went downhill from there. So, in that respect, this is NOT what I wanted to accomplish during Ramadan. But in all honesty, the decline in our relationship could not have been prevented, since it completely fell apart after I house-sat for her and Pako (the very ill-behaved Chihuahua) bite me viciously, with the bites becoming infected, my doctor having to file a dog-bite incident report, Pako going to the vet for quarantine, and culminating in my son-in-law telling my daughter that she had to tell me to leave HIS house immediately. It's still difficult to believe that my own child threw me out of her house, after I had cared for her house and animals for 9 days and been severely injured by her dog.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Happened?
What in the name that is all that is good and holy went wrong today? I merely texted Sabrina (as a courteousy) that I wanted to wear a loose head scarf since it's Ramadan, and she went balistic. Even though I relented and said I wouldn't wear it when I took the girls to school, she decided to take them herself. Then the girls had a problem and Clint had to go to school to straighten it out. Sabrina DEMANDED that I get an appointment for us with John. So I did, and got one for me next Monday. She claims that she is protecting her daughters; from what, I don't know. She sees me as fickle and too changeable.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
First Day of Ramadan
Today is the first day of Ramadan. I am both excited and a bit scared. I am excited about having a month dedicated to growing closer to God. I am scared that I will have a problem with fasting. I got up early, say the Tarajjud and Witr prayers, then ate a good breakfast: cereal and milk, yogurt, energy drink, very large glass of water, and a couple of dates. I am full! Now I have said Fajr and 4 extra rak'ahs; I am ready to take Ernie out, but he isn't really ready to go out. So I have time for him to wake up (he's downstairs but not really "awake").
Now it's time to read the Qur'an and also my devotional book. I'd like to be able to devote a lot of time to reading the Qur'an, but today is not going to be the day. I have to take Jackie and Cassie to a clinic to see if their immunizations are in order; then they have to go to Prep Day at school (they have to have their immunization records--"no shots, no school"). I hope all goes well for them during Prep Day. I'm not sure if I should stay there just in case or not.
I promised to take them to Kohls to buy school clothes after Prep Day. We have a 30% off coupon. I did tell them that they needed to eat before school because I am not taking them to eat.
I contacted ICSA about their Iftar, but they only sent me a prayer time schedule. I'm not sure if Imam Mahdi Masjid has prayers and Iftar every night or not. Guess I'll just have to ask.
ICSA started the Tarweed prayers last night. Since I wasn't really ready to go, I did say them at home last night, as well as the early prayers this morning and extra prayers after Fajr. I have asked God to help me be a better person and a better Muslim this month. I hope it will carry over throughout my life. That's why I tried to be so accommodating to Sabrina with this shot business. I am trying to be very kind to her because I know she is very stressed.
InshAllah God will bless me with His grace and help me. Ameen!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Oh My! So Many Prayers!
Oh my goodness! I have been looking up information on the extra prayers one says during Ramadan, and I am feeling overwhelmed. Not so much with the Ramadan prayers, but with the Sunnah and Wajib prayers. These are additional prayers that are classified as recommended or expected after or before the 5 obligatory prayers. There are extra prayers after nearly every obligatory prayer (except Asr: it is forbidden to say extra prayers between Asr and Maghrib).
So I guess that I should start saying some extra prayers, huh? I was actually most interested in the Tahajjud prayers before Fajr, said after you have slept. So I did find the information I was looking for and will certainly pray these prayers when I wake, before eating and Imsak (the time to stop eating, about 10-15 minutes prior to Fajr). And I now understand the Taweed prayers said at night after Ishaa, usually at the masjid, but you can say them at home if you can't get to the masjid.
But I really should say Witr prayers (after Ishaa) as a matter of course. That is Wajib, REALLY recommended. So I will start tonight.
Then there are the Nawafil prayers, that are optional, but are good to say, such as saying 2 rak'ahs when you enter the masjid (THAT I knew). And before you ask God for something or in thanksgiving, etc.
I really don't mind praying, but I wish I could recite the Suras the way I should. It's almost like singing; it's so beautiful. There are websites that teach you slowly, and I really should take the time during this Ramadan to learn to recite/chant the prayers correctly. Maybe I will make that my Ramadan resolution. Every morning, I will log on and practice the Suras and Salaat until I am somewhat proficient. InshAllah.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Getting Ready for Ramadan
Ramadan starts on Wednesday, August 9, 2010, or according to the Islamic Calendar, 1 Ramadan 1431 AH. This will be my first Ramadan since I adopted Islam, and I must admit, I am a bit nervous about observing it correctly. I don’t really know the prayers to say in the morning before Fajr, but I will look them up on the Internet. I will attend the Salaat and Iftar (light dinner) at Imam Mahdi Masjid in the evening. I know that there is also Qur’an recitation and duaas each night. From what I’ve read, many masjids time the Qur’an recitations so that the entire Qur’an is recited during Ramadan.
I’m a little worried that I might have trouble with the fasting. I have been getting up early to say Fajr at the proper time (new for me), but during Ramadan, I have to eat BEFORE the time for Fajr. Getting up at 5:00 or 5:15 a.m. will not be easy for me. Then I cannot eat nor can I drink until after Maghrib. I asked Ayesha D. if she had any advice for me in observing Ramadan, but this is actually the first Ramadan she will be observing since she reverted and began practicing Islam in earnest. I was thinking about asking Abudharr for advice, or Narjis. I know they would give me good advice. I know I’ll be ok about not eating, but I worry about not drinking anything. I often have to take medicine, and I know that’s allowed, but still.... Abudharr left me an Arabic message on FB, so I should look at it and ask him for advice. Maybe he would meet me for coffee Monday or Tuesday and he could tell me what I need to know.
Palwasha has sent me a message on FB, so I need to write her a long message. I haven’t been on FB in a long while. I will give her Cassie’s and Jackie’s email addresses, and perhaps they can start a friendship. It would be great for them to have a friend their age in another culture.
I also began my gluten-free diet today. I had a poppy-seed bagel, which was not at all good: dry, tasteless, and the fact that I used the rancid butter from my fridge didn’t help the taste. When I tried to split the bagel to toast it, it was a bit frozen still and half of it fell apart. I froze the rest, and will try the English muffins next. When I do the bagel next time, I will certainly use cream cheese. That will help the taste. I tried lemon wafer cookies (good) and pretzels (very good). I also had yogurt today. Though it is 6:30 p.m., I really am not terribly hungry. I have a steak teriyaki bowl that I could eat; that is gluten-free.
I’ve been reading the Qur’an today and also a book about the Qur’an. Sort of getting ready for Ramadan. I also have a book of devotions for each day of Ramadan. It was written by an American woman who converted to Islam. I think that will be good.
I have not heard from Sabrina in 2 days. Yesterday I took the girls and their friend Elizabeth to lunch after Silver Bells practice, so I missed Juma’a. But they so seldom have a friend over, and she is a nice girl. I imagine Sabrina is in a panic as she gets ready for the cruise. They leave next Saturday. My next transporting of the girls is Wednesday afternoon, for Prep Day. I hope they complete their reading assignment and written assignments prior to their trip. I guess we are going to church tomorrow; I haven’t heard differently.
I’m starting to get a bit hungry now. Off to forage in the fridge and the gluten-free box!
I’m a little worried that I might have trouble with the fasting. I have been getting up early to say Fajr at the proper time (new for me), but during Ramadan, I have to eat BEFORE the time for Fajr. Getting up at 5:00 or 5:15 a.m. will not be easy for me. Then I cannot eat nor can I drink until after Maghrib. I asked Ayesha D. if she had any advice for me in observing Ramadan, but this is actually the first Ramadan she will be observing since she reverted and began practicing Islam in earnest. I was thinking about asking Abudharr for advice, or Narjis. I know they would give me good advice. I know I’ll be ok about not eating, but I worry about not drinking anything. I often have to take medicine, and I know that’s allowed, but still.... Abudharr left me an Arabic message on FB, so I should look at it and ask him for advice. Maybe he would meet me for coffee Monday or Tuesday and he could tell me what I need to know.
Palwasha has sent me a message on FB, so I need to write her a long message. I haven’t been on FB in a long while. I will give her Cassie’s and Jackie’s email addresses, and perhaps they can start a friendship. It would be great for them to have a friend their age in another culture.
I also began my gluten-free diet today. I had a poppy-seed bagel, which was not at all good: dry, tasteless, and the fact that I used the rancid butter from my fridge didn’t help the taste. When I tried to split the bagel to toast it, it was a bit frozen still and half of it fell apart. I froze the rest, and will try the English muffins next. When I do the bagel next time, I will certainly use cream cheese. That will help the taste. I tried lemon wafer cookies (good) and pretzels (very good). I also had yogurt today. Though it is 6:30 p.m., I really am not terribly hungry. I have a steak teriyaki bowl that I could eat; that is gluten-free.
I’ve been reading the Qur’an today and also a book about the Qur’an. Sort of getting ready for Ramadan. I also have a book of devotions for each day of Ramadan. It was written by an American woman who converted to Islam. I think that will be good.
I have not heard from Sabrina in 2 days. Yesterday I took the girls and their friend Elizabeth to lunch after Silver Bells practice, so I missed Juma’a. But they so seldom have a friend over, and she is a nice girl. I imagine Sabrina is in a panic as she gets ready for the cruise. They leave next Saturday. My next transporting of the girls is Wednesday afternoon, for Prep Day. I hope they complete their reading assignment and written assignments prior to their trip. I guess we are going to church tomorrow; I haven’t heard differently.
I’m starting to get a bit hungry now. Off to forage in the fridge and the gluten-free box!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Feeling Persecuted
I haven't written in a while. And I also have not been to the masjid in a while--any masjid. Why? Well, it seems that every Friday I have had some sort of malady. For example, today I woke up and felt like I was not even human. I could barely figure out where or who I was. This has been going on for a couple of days, and I have no idea why. I was in a total fog and even felt faint and weak. I had to say my extra prayers sitting down this morning!
(I haven't felt well in several days. If it continues through the weekend, I'll call the doctor on Monday.)
It's been frustrating, because I really wanted to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday, and to Juma' today and to the evening program at the masjid on Gardendale tonight. I've been trying to get to Qur'an study on Saturday afternoon for weeks. Haven't made it yet. Something always gets in the way--either I feel awful or someone calls or something else happens. Sooo frustrating!
So between feeling awful for such a long time, my daughter claims that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear me talking about "Muslim." I have made such a conscious effort to NOT mention my religion when I talk to her, and I told her so. This was in the course of a text war that involved finding out that her husband told her that I ignore him when I come to the house. That is exactly the opposite of what happens, and I even asked the girls if they knew why he didn't speak to me. They chalked it up to his involvement in his video games.
The "war" started because I was shocked that she had decided to sell her house because they are "cramped." And I said her life was chaotic and unstable. Which is true, when you counted that one weekend her husband refused to speak to her all weekend because of her choice of restaurant, the next week he announced on a Saturday morning that he was leaving her, and the next week they want to buy a bigger house! I call that chaotic and unstable. Of course, she was insulted and then proceeded to bring up all the "crimes" I have committed against her, among which is "constantly talking about Muslim stuff," and the time I asked if I could take the girls to the masjid (WHAT was I thinking?!)
But I pray for her every day and for mending our relationship. InshAllah. And I pray for her relationship with her husband and the sale of their house, but I leave the outcome to Allah, since I have no idea what I should pray for, and Allah knows best. I even pray for healing for Clint's back, even though he seems to do everything possible to re-injure it.
Well, enough of my kvetching. (Funny, using Yiddish on an Islamic blog!) But I do feel persecuted by my daughter sometime, and certainly by Shaytan. I WANT TO FEEL WELL AGAIN!!!!
(I haven't felt well in several days. If it continues through the weekend, I'll call the doctor on Monday.)
It's been frustrating, because I really wanted to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday, and to Juma' today and to the evening program at the masjid on Gardendale tonight. I've been trying to get to Qur'an study on Saturday afternoon for weeks. Haven't made it yet. Something always gets in the way--either I feel awful or someone calls or something else happens. Sooo frustrating!
So between feeling awful for such a long time, my daughter claims that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear me talking about "Muslim." I have made such a conscious effort to NOT mention my religion when I talk to her, and I told her so. This was in the course of a text war that involved finding out that her husband told her that I ignore him when I come to the house. That is exactly the opposite of what happens, and I even asked the girls if they knew why he didn't speak to me. They chalked it up to his involvement in his video games.
The "war" started because I was shocked that she had decided to sell her house because they are "cramped." And I said her life was chaotic and unstable. Which is true, when you counted that one weekend her husband refused to speak to her all weekend because of her choice of restaurant, the next week he announced on a Saturday morning that he was leaving her, and the next week they want to buy a bigger house! I call that chaotic and unstable. Of course, she was insulted and then proceeded to bring up all the "crimes" I have committed against her, among which is "constantly talking about Muslim stuff," and the time I asked if I could take the girls to the masjid (WHAT was I thinking?!)
But I pray for her every day and for mending our relationship. InshAllah. And I pray for her relationship with her husband and the sale of their house, but I leave the outcome to Allah, since I have no idea what I should pray for, and Allah knows best. I even pray for healing for Clint's back, even though he seems to do everything possible to re-injure it.
Well, enough of my kvetching. (Funny, using Yiddish on an Islamic blog!) But I do feel persecuted by my daughter sometime, and certainly by Shaytan. I WANT TO FEEL WELL AGAIN!!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
"My Get-Up"
I'm writing in red because I am pissed off (sorry, not a very Muslim term, but it's what I'm feeling). A couple of weeks ago on Mother's Day, my one and only daughter picked me up and we went for a lovely massage. I wore modest (but trendy) clothing and a loosely draped, see-through oblong scarf over my head. Mind you, my hair was showing; it looked elegant; it was NOT hijab! The first words out of my daughter's mouth when I entered to car were, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't wear your 'get-up' when you are with me and the girls." I took a deep breath, and replied, "I am not wearing hijab. Scarves are trendy. It's just draped around my head. What's the problem?" No answer. The ride was rather tense after that. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife (over-used metaphor).
Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.
Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.
So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.
This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!
I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.
I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!
Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.
Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.
So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.
This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!
I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.
I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's Been A While
It's been a while since I've written. I got caught up in the Face Book frenzy, and just neglected writing on my blog.
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Mystical Side of Islam
Last Thursday I experienced some of the mystical side of Islam. Every major religion seems to have its mystical component: Judaism has Kabballah, Christianity has Gnosis, and Islam has Sufi. I am attracted to the mystical, to coming closer to God through meditative prayer and song, through focusing one's attention totally on experiencing the nearness of God.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
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