Where am I on this spiritual journey? I sometimes wonder. I am still committed to Islam and I feel drawn to Sufism. But then things come up such as my relationship with this particular man, also a Muslim. He's rather fundamental; I get butterflies thinking of him. But he is married; I am much older. He's younger than my daughter. We don't even really know each other. We just seem to have "chemistry" together. Is this relationship a good, right thing? I know Islam allows more than one wife (not officially, of course, in America) but we are "married" in the sense of Islam. I do have lots of questions. What about a contract? I agreed to flowers as a dowry. How crazy this all is. My spiritual path is taking some very interesting turns. Am I ready for this ride?
And why does '"radical" Islam' come up in the tags when I type in 'Islam"? THAT ticks me off immensely.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm Writing a Book
I am writing a book; how about that? The working title is "Guided to the Straight Path," which as Muslims know is from the Holy Qur'an 1:6. It seemed like the best title to explain my life in the past 9 months or so. It's about my spiritual journey. How did an American woman of Western European descent, raised in a devout Catholic family, come to adopt Islam as a way of life. Some people have told me that it might generate some interest. My cousin has a contact at a major publisher, and I have a few publishing contact from the time I worked for educational test publishing companies who also publish books.
It's been a good exercise for me personally, because it helps me see that from a very early age, I had a strong belief in God and Catholicism actually implanted many of those seeds. But all through my life, as I am planning out the book's structure, I can see how Allah was guiding me, leading me, as I had doubts and questions, trials and tribulations that I thought I could never survive. Of course, I know now that Allah has always been with me. Allah has a reason for everything; everything that happens to us is part of Allah's plan. Although we may not see any good coming out of a situation, Allah uses everything to teach us something or help us grow in our faith. As the Holy Qur'an tells us, Allah has a plan, and Allah always knows best. The longer I am here on this earth, the more clearly I see that this is absolutely true.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
How Does One Deal with Severe Depression and Anxiety, Islamically?
How does a person deal with severe depression ans terrible anxiety from an Islamic perspective? I am now struggling with this issue, and have been, for several weeks, ever since the incident at my daughter's home.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
We both went to an appointment to see my therapist last Thursday, and for me, it was a living nightmare. Sabrina is extremely angry with me, and I don't understand the reason why. Everything I say or do seems to set her off into a rage. That's what was so upsetting at our session. John (my therapist) seemed to lose control of the session. Though he tried and struggled to bring the discussion back to mending our relationship, this was never accomplished.
What upset Sabrina? For starters, she felt that by my inviting her and her family to the City-sponsored Community Eid Celebration I was "shoving my religion down her throat." I attempted to explain that it was not a religious activity, but an attempt by the Muslim community and the City to bring people together in celebration, sort of like Cinco de Mayo celebrations. But she was having none of it. "I don't want to hang out with your Iraqi friends," she said. She was also upset that I had given Palwasha the girls' email addresses; she commented that I don't know this girl and that she could be a pedophile or some such unsavory person. And wasn't it weird that I was friends with a 15-year-old, anyway? She did not think much of Palwasha's parents to allow her to communicate with such an old person (!).
In addition, she made it clear that she didn't want to me attempt to explain anything, because I always seem to have an excuse and my excuses just make her more angry. She was jumping off the couch and waving her arms and yelling and crying, especially when I said that I didn't remember her asking how I was after the dog bites. She began mocking me and belittling me, saying, "Remember, you said, 'Look, he bit me here and here and it's still swollen and it hurts.'" She even denied telling me to leave, saying that I was the one who got huffy and stormed out, although she has told John that Clint told her to make me leave or else he would. I started to cry uncontrollably because I realized that nearly every topic I try to talk to her about seems to upset her. She says Clint is only upset with me because I always upset her. John tried to tell her not to hold on to things, but I know she will. She has often told me that she never forgets anything, and she does remember every slight and hangs on to it forever. Hence, the loss of many friends. She does NOT forgive.
John tried to get us to put the incident behind us, to make certain topics "off limits" (religion, politics, and the incident), apologize to one another and ask for forgiveness. I did that, but Sabrina would not. We finally ended the session with John telling us to wish each other a good week, but not talk to each other again until our next session (whenever that is). I wished Sabrina a good week, and told her I hoped she would get the job she had just interviewed for. She sarcastically said, "Have a nice week!"and ran out.
I feel so depressed and helpless over this, to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that is wrong, and I pray and pray. But I am absolutely paralyzed by this depression, and am extremely anxious from the minute I wake up in the morning. I can't clean my house; I can barely keep myself clean. I have every intention of trying to go out to the masjid, but I can't seem to get myself to go out. I have made an appointment to see Dr. Schuenemeyer, my psychiatrist, but that is not until Oct. 11. I see John again on Oct. 6, but I don't know when I can get an appointment for Sabrina and me. And I am just sick about going back with her, because I will be attacked again and again, and I fear John is powerless to stop it. I have written him a letter about how I felt about the session, that I sort of feel that he "threw me under the bus." I need to rewrite the letter because it is a bit disjointed. But I have to tell him how I feel. Maybe he can get Dr. Schuenemeyer to see me sooner. I really am in a crisis. Right now, all I can do is pray.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Maybe Things Will Change?
Haven't blogged in a bit, not since (I think) Sabrina went nuts about my request to were hijab during Ramadan. Then the fiasco happened when she threw me out of her house on August 23, after I had house-sat for her animals for 9 days while she was on a cruise. I was told to leave because her husband told her to make me leave, after I had to tell them that their ill-behaved Chihuahua had bitten me badly, the wounds became infected, my physician had to file an incident report, and then the dog had to be quarantined because it didn't have its rabies shots. No matter than I was very ill from the infection and from the antibiotics (which had to be changed). No "thanks for caring for our home," just abuse.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
What I couldn't believe was that my daughter actually did what her husband told her to do. He would have NEVER allowed his mother to be treated so cruelly. Sabrina has been seeing my therapist, as have I, and tomorrow we will see him together. It will be the first time I have seen her since that day in August. I am nervous. Can we really have a relationship? I don't know. She seems to want to dictate my life to me, if I want to be in her life. But I can't do that. I am finally who I am. I miss her terribly, but I can no longer continue to compromise my religious beliefs, nor continue to be disrespected as a person by either her or her husband.
This is a very difficult time for me. Ramadan was difficult, because I really wanted to work on becoming a better person, but the infection prevented me from getting to the masjid much. I prayed so hard for Allah to help me with the hurt and anger and bitterness I was feeling, and still do feel. I know my son-in-law will not change his opinion of me, whatever it is. But how can my only child disrespect me, her mother, so much? And what does it teach her daughters? I hope they never treat her this way. I keep praying to Allah to help lift this horrible depression and anxiety. I guess I should make an appointment to see my shrink about my meds.
It also doesn't help that my cat Hannah is slowly dying, and I've had expenses for my dog Ernie from his teeth and an ulcer on his eye and an ear infection, as well as finding out that his jawbone is fractured. I need to take Hannah to the vet, and chances are high that his will not come home. It makes me so sad. I have only Allah to turn to. I know Allah has all this in His plan, and Allah knows best. And He will never give me a burden too great to bear. I also know that if I have to choose between Allah and Sabrina, as sad as it will make me, I choose Allah. Allahu akbar!
I also started writing a book about my journey to Islam. I think it will be therapeutic for me, but maybe I really can write a book about a Westerner woman "of a certain age" was guided to Islam. Inshallah.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Eid Mubarak!
Eid Mubarak! This is my first Eid al-Fitr. Ramadan is over. Did I accomplish all my goals for Ramadan? Well, it was a very trying and difficult first Ramadan for me. The first day of Ramadan started with the outrage of my daughter over my request to wear a loose head scarf when I picked up my granddaughters to take them to Prep Day at school, and in terms of my relationship with Sabrina, things went downhill from there. So, in that respect, this is NOT what I wanted to accomplish during Ramadan. But in all honesty, the decline in our relationship could not have been prevented, since it completely fell apart after I house-sat for her and Pako (the very ill-behaved Chihuahua) bite me viciously, with the bites becoming infected, my doctor having to file a dog-bite incident report, Pako going to the vet for quarantine, and culminating in my son-in-law telling my daughter that she had to tell me to leave HIS house immediately. It's still difficult to believe that my own child threw me out of her house, after I had cared for her house and animals for 9 days and been severely injured by her dog.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Even after she has been to see my therapist twice and I wrote both her and her husband notes asking their forgiveness for whatever I did, she still refuses to take my calls. I call, leave messages, but she doesn't return my calls. I miss her and the girls so much. I did see the girls the other day: school was canceled due to a power outage and I knew that they would be home, so I brought over a magazine for them and Sabrina's birthday gift.
Funny, though. The day I was tossed out of the house, I left a card and a check for $100 for Clint for his graduation. He cashed the check the next day. He doesn't want me in his house, but my money was certainly good enough for him!
I have been seeing John regularly. I always feel somewhat hopeful after our sessions. But then nothing seems to change with my relationship (or lack thereof) with Sabrina, even after she has seen him. Some days I have felt so unbelievably depressed, almost to the point of despair. Last Sunday was like that; so was Wednesday night. I thought for sure she would respond when I forwarded photos of Katie's baby. Nope. She knows (I have repeatedly told her) that I would be glad to take the girls to their appointments (or pick them up at school). The only contact we have had was 2 weeks ago, after her appointment with John, when she called and said that John wanted to see both of us. She had been crying, but wouldn't talk about it and hung up. I made an appointment for both of us for next week, and called her and left a message for her to call me to find out when our appointment is scheduled. No response. I just don't understand.
So what DID I accomplish during Ramadan? Well, I somehow got through the fasting, even with my infected hand and feeling sick from the meds, and frequent migraines from the stress. The extra prayers and my time spent in prayer and talking to Allah kept me sane. My friends and relatives often helped me put things in perspective and confirmed that I was the wronged party. But the biggest thing for me was the realization that no matter what I do or wear or don't wear, nothing is going to please Sabrina. And that has been my mistake: trying to placate Sabrina. The only One I have to please is Allah. I have to choose my priority, and I choose Allah. Even though I never got to masjid during Ramadan except last night, I kept up with my prayers and have grown closer to Allah. I read most of the Holy Qur'an and studied, too. So with all of this--suffering, sadness, depression, prayer, realizing what is my priority--I would have to say that Ramadan, though difficult (not the fasting), was actually very good. I learned a lot about life, and about myself.
Eid prayers were this morning, and it was a lovely service. Much Praise for Allah. I met nice people at Brother Abudharr and Narjis's masjid. We had a nice breakfast. I met the school principal, and offered my services to help with testing if they need it. So I hope I have found a "home," a place where I can make friends among believers. That was another thing I learned during Ramadan. I need to become active in a community of believers, especially since my immediate family seems to have disowned me.
So, in a couple of hours, I will return to the masjid for Juma', and then go to the program tonight (I think there is a Friday program). Tomorrow there is supposed to be an Eid Picnic. I will attend that (even though it is outdoors). And I will try to fit into this community.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Happened?
What in the name that is all that is good and holy went wrong today? I merely texted Sabrina (as a courteousy) that I wanted to wear a loose head scarf since it's Ramadan, and she went balistic. Even though I relented and said I wouldn't wear it when I took the girls to school, she decided to take them herself. Then the girls had a problem and Clint had to go to school to straighten it out. Sabrina DEMANDED that I get an appointment for us with John. So I did, and got one for me next Monday. She claims that she is protecting her daughters; from what, I don't know. She sees me as fickle and too changeable.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
I was so upset and needed to talk to someone so I called Jimmie. And he tell me vent. I was so very thankful. He agrees she is a piece of work. I think she is majorly over-reacting. I don't know what her real problem is, but she talks about me as if I am a moron. She claims she tries so hard to accept me, but she is totally disrespectful and just plain bitchy, nasty, demanding, and stubborn. So she rejected my offer of help today, but then complained about I was going to make her lose her job. She claims I try to lay a guilt trip on her, but she's the one who always is upset and may feel guilty. I do nothing to "guilt" her into anything.
I feel terrible, because I was really trying to be a kinder person. But of course she called me on the way home from work and was all worked up. Then she hung up on me. I called her twice and asked for her to call me so we could talk rationally. She says i "sprung" the scarf on her with no warning this morning, but I did explain my rationale, and then I also said I would abide by her wishes. But she chose to be a "victim." I have been so upset that I couldn't even go out to the masjid tonight.
I want to take the girls shopping, but she said, "Don't wear a scarf." Who is she to demand what I can and cannot wear? I have half a mind to tell her to find someone else to watch her animals next week. She absolutely does not appreciate nor respect me. And I feel like I am enabling her behavior. She even implied a threat to not let me see the girls.
What is her problem? Why is she such a demanding, "my way or the highway" bitch? She says she is stressed and at the end of her rope. I don't interfere in her life. My life revolves around taking her kids to stuff. I'm at the end of my rope. I have prayed and given it to God. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her to make other arrangements for next week? I truly want to, but that would be mean. I just don't know what to do.
First Day of Ramadan
Today is the first day of Ramadan. I am both excited and a bit scared. I am excited about having a month dedicated to growing closer to God. I am scared that I will have a problem with fasting. I got up early, say the Tarajjud and Witr prayers, then ate a good breakfast: cereal and milk, yogurt, energy drink, very large glass of water, and a couple of dates. I am full! Now I have said Fajr and 4 extra rak'ahs; I am ready to take Ernie out, but he isn't really ready to go out. So I have time for him to wake up (he's downstairs but not really "awake").
Now it's time to read the Qur'an and also my devotional book. I'd like to be able to devote a lot of time to reading the Qur'an, but today is not going to be the day. I have to take Jackie and Cassie to a clinic to see if their immunizations are in order; then they have to go to Prep Day at school (they have to have their immunization records--"no shots, no school"). I hope all goes well for them during Prep Day. I'm not sure if I should stay there just in case or not.
I promised to take them to Kohls to buy school clothes after Prep Day. We have a 30% off coupon. I did tell them that they needed to eat before school because I am not taking them to eat.
I contacted ICSA about their Iftar, but they only sent me a prayer time schedule. I'm not sure if Imam Mahdi Masjid has prayers and Iftar every night or not. Guess I'll just have to ask.
ICSA started the Tarweed prayers last night. Since I wasn't really ready to go, I did say them at home last night, as well as the early prayers this morning and extra prayers after Fajr. I have asked God to help me be a better person and a better Muslim this month. I hope it will carry over throughout my life. That's why I tried to be so accommodating to Sabrina with this shot business. I am trying to be very kind to her because I know she is very stressed.
InshAllah God will bless me with His grace and help me. Ameen!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Oh My! So Many Prayers!
Oh my goodness! I have been looking up information on the extra prayers one says during Ramadan, and I am feeling overwhelmed. Not so much with the Ramadan prayers, but with the Sunnah and Wajib prayers. These are additional prayers that are classified as recommended or expected after or before the 5 obligatory prayers. There are extra prayers after nearly every obligatory prayer (except Asr: it is forbidden to say extra prayers between Asr and Maghrib).
So I guess that I should start saying some extra prayers, huh? I was actually most interested in the Tahajjud prayers before Fajr, said after you have slept. So I did find the information I was looking for and will certainly pray these prayers when I wake, before eating and Imsak (the time to stop eating, about 10-15 minutes prior to Fajr). And I now understand the Taweed prayers said at night after Ishaa, usually at the masjid, but you can say them at home if you can't get to the masjid.
But I really should say Witr prayers (after Ishaa) as a matter of course. That is Wajib, REALLY recommended. So I will start tonight.
Then there are the Nawafil prayers, that are optional, but are good to say, such as saying 2 rak'ahs when you enter the masjid (THAT I knew). And before you ask God for something or in thanksgiving, etc.
I really don't mind praying, but I wish I could recite the Suras the way I should. It's almost like singing; it's so beautiful. There are websites that teach you slowly, and I really should take the time during this Ramadan to learn to recite/chant the prayers correctly. Maybe I will make that my Ramadan resolution. Every morning, I will log on and practice the Suras and Salaat until I am somewhat proficient. InshAllah.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Getting Ready for Ramadan
Ramadan starts on Wednesday, August 9, 2010, or according to the Islamic Calendar, 1 Ramadan 1431 AH. This will be my first Ramadan since I adopted Islam, and I must admit, I am a bit nervous about observing it correctly. I don’t really know the prayers to say in the morning before Fajr, but I will look them up on the Internet. I will attend the Salaat and Iftar (light dinner) at Imam Mahdi Masjid in the evening. I know that there is also Qur’an recitation and duaas each night. From what I’ve read, many masjids time the Qur’an recitations so that the entire Qur’an is recited during Ramadan.
I’m a little worried that I might have trouble with the fasting. I have been getting up early to say Fajr at the proper time (new for me), but during Ramadan, I have to eat BEFORE the time for Fajr. Getting up at 5:00 or 5:15 a.m. will not be easy for me. Then I cannot eat nor can I drink until after Maghrib. I asked Ayesha D. if she had any advice for me in observing Ramadan, but this is actually the first Ramadan she will be observing since she reverted and began practicing Islam in earnest. I was thinking about asking Abudharr for advice, or Narjis. I know they would give me good advice. I know I’ll be ok about not eating, but I worry about not drinking anything. I often have to take medicine, and I know that’s allowed, but still.... Abudharr left me an Arabic message on FB, so I should look at it and ask him for advice. Maybe he would meet me for coffee Monday or Tuesday and he could tell me what I need to know.
Palwasha has sent me a message on FB, so I need to write her a long message. I haven’t been on FB in a long while. I will give her Cassie’s and Jackie’s email addresses, and perhaps they can start a friendship. It would be great for them to have a friend their age in another culture.
I also began my gluten-free diet today. I had a poppy-seed bagel, which was not at all good: dry, tasteless, and the fact that I used the rancid butter from my fridge didn’t help the taste. When I tried to split the bagel to toast it, it was a bit frozen still and half of it fell apart. I froze the rest, and will try the English muffins next. When I do the bagel next time, I will certainly use cream cheese. That will help the taste. I tried lemon wafer cookies (good) and pretzels (very good). I also had yogurt today. Though it is 6:30 p.m., I really am not terribly hungry. I have a steak teriyaki bowl that I could eat; that is gluten-free.
I’ve been reading the Qur’an today and also a book about the Qur’an. Sort of getting ready for Ramadan. I also have a book of devotions for each day of Ramadan. It was written by an American woman who converted to Islam. I think that will be good.
I have not heard from Sabrina in 2 days. Yesterday I took the girls and their friend Elizabeth to lunch after Silver Bells practice, so I missed Juma’a. But they so seldom have a friend over, and she is a nice girl. I imagine Sabrina is in a panic as she gets ready for the cruise. They leave next Saturday. My next transporting of the girls is Wednesday afternoon, for Prep Day. I hope they complete their reading assignment and written assignments prior to their trip. I guess we are going to church tomorrow; I haven’t heard differently.
I’m starting to get a bit hungry now. Off to forage in the fridge and the gluten-free box!
I’m a little worried that I might have trouble with the fasting. I have been getting up early to say Fajr at the proper time (new for me), but during Ramadan, I have to eat BEFORE the time for Fajr. Getting up at 5:00 or 5:15 a.m. will not be easy for me. Then I cannot eat nor can I drink until after Maghrib. I asked Ayesha D. if she had any advice for me in observing Ramadan, but this is actually the first Ramadan she will be observing since she reverted and began practicing Islam in earnest. I was thinking about asking Abudharr for advice, or Narjis. I know they would give me good advice. I know I’ll be ok about not eating, but I worry about not drinking anything. I often have to take medicine, and I know that’s allowed, but still.... Abudharr left me an Arabic message on FB, so I should look at it and ask him for advice. Maybe he would meet me for coffee Monday or Tuesday and he could tell me what I need to know.
Palwasha has sent me a message on FB, so I need to write her a long message. I haven’t been on FB in a long while. I will give her Cassie’s and Jackie’s email addresses, and perhaps they can start a friendship. It would be great for them to have a friend their age in another culture.
I also began my gluten-free diet today. I had a poppy-seed bagel, which was not at all good: dry, tasteless, and the fact that I used the rancid butter from my fridge didn’t help the taste. When I tried to split the bagel to toast it, it was a bit frozen still and half of it fell apart. I froze the rest, and will try the English muffins next. When I do the bagel next time, I will certainly use cream cheese. That will help the taste. I tried lemon wafer cookies (good) and pretzels (very good). I also had yogurt today. Though it is 6:30 p.m., I really am not terribly hungry. I have a steak teriyaki bowl that I could eat; that is gluten-free.
I’ve been reading the Qur’an today and also a book about the Qur’an. Sort of getting ready for Ramadan. I also have a book of devotions for each day of Ramadan. It was written by an American woman who converted to Islam. I think that will be good.
I have not heard from Sabrina in 2 days. Yesterday I took the girls and their friend Elizabeth to lunch after Silver Bells practice, so I missed Juma’a. But they so seldom have a friend over, and she is a nice girl. I imagine Sabrina is in a panic as she gets ready for the cruise. They leave next Saturday. My next transporting of the girls is Wednesday afternoon, for Prep Day. I hope they complete their reading assignment and written assignments prior to their trip. I guess we are going to church tomorrow; I haven’t heard differently.
I’m starting to get a bit hungry now. Off to forage in the fridge and the gluten-free box!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Feeling Persecuted
I haven't written in a while. And I also have not been to the masjid in a while--any masjid. Why? Well, it seems that every Friday I have had some sort of malady. For example, today I woke up and felt like I was not even human. I could barely figure out where or who I was. This has been going on for a couple of days, and I have no idea why. I was in a total fog and even felt faint and weak. I had to say my extra prayers sitting down this morning!
(I haven't felt well in several days. If it continues through the weekend, I'll call the doctor on Monday.)
It's been frustrating, because I really wanted to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday, and to Juma' today and to the evening program at the masjid on Gardendale tonight. I've been trying to get to Qur'an study on Saturday afternoon for weeks. Haven't made it yet. Something always gets in the way--either I feel awful or someone calls or something else happens. Sooo frustrating!
So between feeling awful for such a long time, my daughter claims that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear me talking about "Muslim." I have made such a conscious effort to NOT mention my religion when I talk to her, and I told her so. This was in the course of a text war that involved finding out that her husband told her that I ignore him when I come to the house. That is exactly the opposite of what happens, and I even asked the girls if they knew why he didn't speak to me. They chalked it up to his involvement in his video games.
The "war" started because I was shocked that she had decided to sell her house because they are "cramped." And I said her life was chaotic and unstable. Which is true, when you counted that one weekend her husband refused to speak to her all weekend because of her choice of restaurant, the next week he announced on a Saturday morning that he was leaving her, and the next week they want to buy a bigger house! I call that chaotic and unstable. Of course, she was insulted and then proceeded to bring up all the "crimes" I have committed against her, among which is "constantly talking about Muslim stuff," and the time I asked if I could take the girls to the masjid (WHAT was I thinking?!)
But I pray for her every day and for mending our relationship. InshAllah. And I pray for her relationship with her husband and the sale of their house, but I leave the outcome to Allah, since I have no idea what I should pray for, and Allah knows best. I even pray for healing for Clint's back, even though he seems to do everything possible to re-injure it.
Well, enough of my kvetching. (Funny, using Yiddish on an Islamic blog!) But I do feel persecuted by my daughter sometime, and certainly by Shaytan. I WANT TO FEEL WELL AGAIN!!!!
(I haven't felt well in several days. If it continues through the weekend, I'll call the doctor on Monday.)
It's been frustrating, because I really wanted to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday, and to Juma' today and to the evening program at the masjid on Gardendale tonight. I've been trying to get to Qur'an study on Saturday afternoon for weeks. Haven't made it yet. Something always gets in the way--either I feel awful or someone calls or something else happens. Sooo frustrating!
So between feeling awful for such a long time, my daughter claims that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear me talking about "Muslim." I have made such a conscious effort to NOT mention my religion when I talk to her, and I told her so. This was in the course of a text war that involved finding out that her husband told her that I ignore him when I come to the house. That is exactly the opposite of what happens, and I even asked the girls if they knew why he didn't speak to me. They chalked it up to his involvement in his video games.
The "war" started because I was shocked that she had decided to sell her house because they are "cramped." And I said her life was chaotic and unstable. Which is true, when you counted that one weekend her husband refused to speak to her all weekend because of her choice of restaurant, the next week he announced on a Saturday morning that he was leaving her, and the next week they want to buy a bigger house! I call that chaotic and unstable. Of course, she was insulted and then proceeded to bring up all the "crimes" I have committed against her, among which is "constantly talking about Muslim stuff," and the time I asked if I could take the girls to the masjid (WHAT was I thinking?!)
But I pray for her every day and for mending our relationship. InshAllah. And I pray for her relationship with her husband and the sale of their house, but I leave the outcome to Allah, since I have no idea what I should pray for, and Allah knows best. I even pray for healing for Clint's back, even though he seems to do everything possible to re-injure it.
Well, enough of my kvetching. (Funny, using Yiddish on an Islamic blog!) But I do feel persecuted by my daughter sometime, and certainly by Shaytan. I WANT TO FEEL WELL AGAIN!!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
"My Get-Up"
I'm writing in red because I am pissed off (sorry, not a very Muslim term, but it's what I'm feeling). A couple of weeks ago on Mother's Day, my one and only daughter picked me up and we went for a lovely massage. I wore modest (but trendy) clothing and a loosely draped, see-through oblong scarf over my head. Mind you, my hair was showing; it looked elegant; it was NOT hijab! The first words out of my daughter's mouth when I entered to car were, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't wear your 'get-up' when you are with me and the girls." I took a deep breath, and replied, "I am not wearing hijab. Scarves are trendy. It's just draped around my head. What's the problem?" No answer. The ride was rather tense after that. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife (over-used metaphor).
Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.
Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.
So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.
This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!
I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.
I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!
Had a nice massage and then picked up the girls for lunch (no son-in-law. When I asked why he didn't come, Sabrina responded, "It's just as well." OK.) The girls bickered throughout lunch, but in a way they were entertaining. Sabrina was still stand-offish and tense (you would think a massage would relax her). So that was my Mother's Day, celebrated the day before.
Then Cassie was giving a speech as the National Junior High Society Induction of 7th graders on Tuesday. I had asked Sabrina if I could attend, and her reply was, "Only if you don't wear anything on your head." WTF?! Am I THAT offensive to anybody if I wear a loose scarf on my head? Apparently so, at least to my daughter. As it was, I didn't attend because I didn't feel well, but I was ticked.
So I did what I normally do--talk to my therapist about it. He suggested that, if she ever disrespects me and my faith by referring to my clothing as "my get-up" again, that I ask her politely to not refer to my clothing in that way, that it is offensive. It is not a costume. Will she get it? I doubt it. She can be so disrespectful, even though I bend over backwards to help her out with the girls; I'm constantly picking them up (Got a call this morning to pick them up because they forgot their house key). I try so hard to understand her ridiculous situation with her demented husband and comfort her when she lets me, but try not to interfere with advice. She's an adult. But I feel that she disrespects me and my beliefs with not a second thought. So I'm pissed off.
This weekend was the final straw for me with her husband. On Saturday, Sabrina posted on FB that he had announced that he was leaving her. I asked her to call me, but she said she was going to bed and wanted to be left alone. OK. So I did. She later deleted that status, and Sunday morning before I picked up the girls for church, she texted that everything was all right; "we talked," she said. When I arrived to pick up the girls, Clint was sitting in the living room playing video games. I said, "Hi! How are you?" to him. No response. The girls said that he gets really wrapped up in his video games. It was still rude. When I returned with the girls, he was in the same spot with the video games and I tried again. "Hi, Clint! How are you do?" No response. Now I am REALLY done with him! Rude! Disrespectful! Jerk!
I stewed about it for a while and prayed about it. My decision was to ask Sabrina to meet me for dinner or lunch to talk. What will I say to her? That her relationship is her business, but as her mother, I have to tell her that what I see is a destructive relationship. He has put his hands on her; he is emotionally and physically abusive; when she puts up with his nonsense, she is teaching her girls how to let men treat them. She can't do anything about his behavior, but if he EVER acts like that toward me again, I WILL call him out on it, and there may be problems. I just want to put her on notice that I will NOT let her husband, whom I have graciously and generously helped out financially, treat me like dirt. AND, in 18 months, if he has not paid off his share of the money he owes, I WILL take him to court. He has disrespected me for the LAST time. And he had better not ban me from their (her) house; he does NOT want to go there, because that will be the end of my help to her (and him) if she goes along with it. No more chauffeuring the girls. I don't want it to come to a "him or me" situation, but I can no longer stand by and let some jerk treat me like dirt.
I put up with 2 emotionally, psychologically abusive husbands, the last one the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly killed me, literally. I will not let ANYONE treat me poorly again. Even my daughter, and especially not her husband. She owes it to her daughters to set a good example of how people should treat them. She's NOT setting a good example, in my opinion. But I can't fix it. I can only have influence over how I let people treat me. And I have reached my limit of being disrespected for who I am and what I believe. I'M DONE!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's Been A While
It's been a while since I've written. I got caught up in the Face Book frenzy, and just neglected writing on my blog.
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
So what have I been doing, spiritually? Well, I have gotten into my prayer routine by using the app on my phone that lets me know when each prayer time is by beeping (?) at me. That's a good thing, because then I really have no excuse for forgetting a prayer time. I don't particularly jump right up and rush up the stairs to pray as soon as the "beep" sounds. (Instead of the "beep" I could have Adhan recited! The app has a recording!) But it does keep me aware of the need to say my prayers. And I'm glad that I am comfortable now with prayer time and it doesn't feel like an intrusion into my life.
When I first adopted Islam as my way of life, praying five times a day seemed rather difficult to adjust to. Prayers seem to come at odd times and I was often quite late in saying my prayers, or having to say two prayers at the same time because I had missed a prayer time. That still occurs occasionally with Maghrib and 'Isha because they now are just a little over an hour apart, but it doesn't happen with the others nearly as often. I think that's because I am now accustomed to the times for prayer and almost instinctively plan for them in my day. When I start Arabic class this summer, however, Thur will be late always on class days since it occurs just a bit after class will start. So I may be combining Thur and 'Asr at one time on class days. I don't like doing that, but maybe I can find a prayer spot when we have a class break. And I may be able to pray with AH, since he's the teacher and religious. I can always ask him what he does.
The alarm has just gone off for Maghrib, so I will be off to pray in a few minutes. I actually look forward to praying because it forces me to slow down and think about and worship God. It has a calming effect on me, and I'd feel strange now if I didn't pray five times a day. Morning prayer, Fajr, which is only two rakahs, actually ends up to be longer than all the other prayer sessions, because I say "The Dawn" after Fajr, then make duaa for all my intentions. I always pray for APK's mother who has breast cancer that has spread. And I pray for the safety of APK and her family, as well as for ALD and her family, from the extremists that are constantly bombing places in Pakistan, particularly in the city where APK lives. I include Chris McNally in my requests for protection by armies of angels at this time, to keep him safe from harm in Afghanistan. I pray for protection for Jackie and Cassie, and then I focus on Sabrina, Clint, my brother and sister and my nieces and nephews, as I ask God to guide them to know and worship him. All these fervent prayers tend to take a bit of time. Hannah is usually in the prayer room with me (and has to be moved often from the prayer rug), while Ernie lays across one of the stairs as he waits for me.
So that pretty much describes my prayer life. I have been reading the Holy Qur'an nearly daily. I try to do at least one Sura a day, now that I'm up to Sura 17 or 18, and they are considerably shorter than the earlier ones.
I haven't been on Face Book for two days (or is it three?), but I just needed a break from it. I was playing too many games, and I need to get away from them. The language "words" are piled up in my mailbox, and I hadn't paid bills or hung up my new clothes. I'm still waiting for the girls to help me move my old, broken television--it's been at least 2 weeks now since it broke, and 10 days since the new one arrived.
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from Cassie. She and Jackie were in a slight panic because they wanted to miss their bus and go home to check to make sure they had turned off the hair straightener, and they needed me to take them to school. So I forced myself out of bed, took Ernie out quickly, and rushed over to get them. So Fajr was a bit late this morning. (So much for "regular" prayer time!)
I didn't get to Islam 101 last night because I wasn't feeling great, and tonight I missed the meeting with the refugees at Trinity because I was feeling odd. So I got some dinner and have been reading a Sister Fidelma story until I decided I'd better pay bills and then thought I'd blog. Tomorrow is Friday and Juma'a; I'm looking forward to that. I hope to go to Northwest Vista and sign up for their "senior" program and the Arabic class, as well as pick up my prescriptions. With any luck, I WILL go to Women's Qur'an Study on Saturday afternoon. InshAllah!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Mystical Side of Islam
Last Thursday I experienced some of the mystical side of Islam. Every major religion seems to have its mystical component: Judaism has Kabballah, Christianity has Gnosis, and Islam has Sufi. I am attracted to the mystical, to coming closer to God through meditative prayer and song, through focusing one's attention totally on experiencing the nearness of God.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
Most people are not involved in mysticism in their religion. I think this is because it is very intense and involves a total surrender of one's self--emotionally, physically, mentally--to experiencing the presence of God. That can be a bit of a scary thing at first, but once you do it, once you release yourself to God, you find that the experience is truly beautiful. There is nothing that can compare to total surrender to God. But one must be discerning when praying in this fashion, because you are open to the entire spiritual world, and there is a chance that false spirits can mislead you and you can think you are having a spiritual experience when you are not really.
The dhikr, the Circle of Remembrance, that I participated in last week was a wonderful, peaceful experience for me. I felt close to God, and I was very glad that I was asked to participate.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Getting More Involved in islamic Life
I have been abiding by Sabrina's request not to wear my hijab around her and the girls, nor do I talk about Islam around them. I have been taking the girls to church every week and we usually have lunch afterward.
On Easter Sunday, the church sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt for the people in the neighborhood surrounding Huebner Elementary School where the church worship services are held. The girls helped to place the candy-filled eggs on the playing-field. Then we went back to their house, and all of us went to a restaurant for Easter brunch. There was a little tension because Sabrina really didn't want to go because she had been sick all night and was not feeling well and was tired. At the church event, Cassie had called her about something, and in her anger, Sabrina told her that she didn't want to see Cassie for the rest of the day. Cassie was upset then, and told me that she felt like her mother didn't want her around. I tried to console her; she and Jackie also had some problems and I tried to smooth those over.
Eventually we went to eat brunch, and it was a little tense. Clint tends to criticize the girls for even little things, and the girls resent it. When we returned to their house, I told Cassie that she should talk to her therapist about how she feels at her next appointment, and in the meantime, she should write down her feelings in her journal. She said she would. Both girls gave me big hugs when I left. It's difficult to leave them when I know they are upset.
While we were at church, I got a message from Narjis to call her. She and some sisters get together for lunch on Sundays around 1 p.m. and wanted to know if I would like to join them. I explained that I was going to brunch with my family after church that day, but I'd love to join them another Sunday. She had been meaning to call me earlier, she said, because it would be good for me to meet new people. I will have to work out something with taking the girls out to eat if I go with Narjis and these women, however, because they like to go out to eat with me and look forward to that. So maybe we can go to dinner on Sunday night.
I went onto YouTube this past week and found some videos on saying Salaat. One in particular was very good, because it went through the prayers slowly and phonetically. The prayers were a bit different from the ones in the brochure Lyana sent me. So I've been saying the ones from YouTube because they are more like the ones we say at the Islamic Center.
I have been attending Friday prayers (juma'a) every week at the Islamic Center. I get a lot out of the iman's sermons and I feel peaceful during prayers. This past Friday the prayers were crowded because schools were closed for Good Friday, so there were many children there.
Narjis invited me to join the Yahoo group Tri-Faith Dialog, a group that brings together Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I know she is very involved in these activities, and this is very dear to my heart--that we would all get along since we worship the same God. Narjis also invited me to attend a dhikr, A Circle of Remembrance, on Thursday night. She said this is the mystical (Sufi) side of Islam, so I am very interested in it. She said usually 5-6 women attend, and they meet at different homes (I'd better clean!). I am very grateful that she is "mentoring" me.
Tonight I am going to try to attend the Islam 101 class at the Islamic Center. I have been bothered by allergies, but I really want to start going to this class and learning more about Islam. I also would like to start attending the women's Qur'an class on Saturday late afternoon.
I have been reading the Holy Qur'an and Hadiths. I try to read a little every day. I feel very peaceful when I read, and I know God is speaking through them.
Today in an email, Connie asked me about my name change (FaTima), so I told her of my conversion. I told her I hope she would still be my friend--we have been friends for so long. She wrote back that of course she was still my friend, but she would try to stir me back to Christianity. That's okay. I just glad she's my friend.
So I am settling into being a Muslima. Laiba was concerned about me attending Shi'ite services and learning the "wrong" things. She is Sunni, and I am more comfortable at the Sunni Islamic Center than at the Shi'ite masjid. Something just tells me that the Islamic Center is where I should be, so that is where I am going.
On Easter Sunday, the church sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt for the people in the neighborhood surrounding Huebner Elementary School where the church worship services are held. The girls helped to place the candy-filled eggs on the playing-field. Then we went back to their house, and all of us went to a restaurant for Easter brunch. There was a little tension because Sabrina really didn't want to go because she had been sick all night and was not feeling well and was tired. At the church event, Cassie had called her about something, and in her anger, Sabrina told her that she didn't want to see Cassie for the rest of the day. Cassie was upset then, and told me that she felt like her mother didn't want her around. I tried to console her; she and Jackie also had some problems and I tried to smooth those over.
Eventually we went to eat brunch, and it was a little tense. Clint tends to criticize the girls for even little things, and the girls resent it. When we returned to their house, I told Cassie that she should talk to her therapist about how she feels at her next appointment, and in the meantime, she should write down her feelings in her journal. She said she would. Both girls gave me big hugs when I left. It's difficult to leave them when I know they are upset.
While we were at church, I got a message from Narjis to call her. She and some sisters get together for lunch on Sundays around 1 p.m. and wanted to know if I would like to join them. I explained that I was going to brunch with my family after church that day, but I'd love to join them another Sunday. She had been meaning to call me earlier, she said, because it would be good for me to meet new people. I will have to work out something with taking the girls out to eat if I go with Narjis and these women, however, because they like to go out to eat with me and look forward to that. So maybe we can go to dinner on Sunday night.
I went onto YouTube this past week and found some videos on saying Salaat. One in particular was very good, because it went through the prayers slowly and phonetically. The prayers were a bit different from the ones in the brochure Lyana sent me. So I've been saying the ones from YouTube because they are more like the ones we say at the Islamic Center.
I have been attending Friday prayers (juma'a) every week at the Islamic Center. I get a lot out of the iman's sermons and I feel peaceful during prayers. This past Friday the prayers were crowded because schools were closed for Good Friday, so there were many children there.
Narjis invited me to join the Yahoo group Tri-Faith Dialog, a group that brings together Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I know she is very involved in these activities, and this is very dear to my heart--that we would all get along since we worship the same God. Narjis also invited me to attend a dhikr, A Circle of Remembrance, on Thursday night. She said this is the mystical (Sufi) side of Islam, so I am very interested in it. She said usually 5-6 women attend, and they meet at different homes (I'd better clean!). I am very grateful that she is "mentoring" me.
Tonight I am going to try to attend the Islam 101 class at the Islamic Center. I have been bothered by allergies, but I really want to start going to this class and learning more about Islam. I also would like to start attending the women's Qur'an class on Saturday late afternoon.
I have been reading the Holy Qur'an and Hadiths. I try to read a little every day. I feel very peaceful when I read, and I know God is speaking through them.
Today in an email, Connie asked me about my name change (FaTima), so I told her of my conversion. I told her I hope she would still be my friend--we have been friends for so long. She wrote back that of course she was still my friend, but she would try to stir me back to Christianity. That's okay. I just glad she's my friend.
So I am settling into being a Muslima. Laiba was concerned about me attending Shi'ite services and learning the "wrong" things. She is Sunni, and I am more comfortable at the Sunni Islamic Center than at the Shi'ite masjid. Something just tells me that the Islamic Center is where I should be, so that is where I am going.
Monday, March 29, 2010
A Day Together
Saturday we all went to SeaWorld after the open house at the School of Science and Technology. About the open house--Sabrina was bent out of shape because there was a misspelling on one of the PowerPoint slides. It was an obvious error to us, and she is worried that the school doesn't know English (the speaker, maybe principal?, had an accent). The girls didn't like it because it was quite small and not shiny and new. They both want to go to Holmes (Business Careers).
We then went to SeaWorld. Sabrina and Clint raced around the place; we did see some shows. I really enjoyed the Orca show, of course, but the other two shows had slapstick comedy, which I don't enjoy. I was able to buy a couple of small gifts for Ayesha. Jackie was reprimanded by a woman when Jackie used a term that wasn't polite language. Sabrina really should be aware of her language and theirs. It isn't the best; they all swear a lot. Then Sabrina teased Jackie about it, and Clint yelled something, so Jackie cried all the way home.
After we returned to Sabrina's house, I got into my car and went to get something to eat. As I pulled into our complex, my phone began to ring. And ring again. So when I stopped the car, I saw that it was Cassie and she called again. It seems that they had locked themselves out of the house. I don't know why they don't keep their house keys on their key chain for the car, but apparently they don't. So I had to go back over there to open out their house.
I had planned on trying to eat quickly and then go to prayers, but the trip back to Sabrina's took a bit of time, and I did feel very tired, so I didn't go. I said my prayers at home and went to bed rather early. I had a migraine and then didn't sleep well.
So Sunday I was tired. I didn't take a shower but should have. I had to leave in a half hour to go to church with the girls when I was originally writing this. I gave the girls journals Saturday--Cassie loved the big journals. She writes a lot. I took them to Red Lobster today after church. They also supposed got some information about the mission trip to Matamoras. I doubt Sabrina will allow them to go on that, but she should email Malachi about about it. We packaged Jayden and Chiara's gifts, and the girls sent an Easter card to Chris, who leaves Monday.
I went to see John today (Monday) and told him about my dinner with Sabrina. He was interested in what attracted me to Islam. For me, it was the focus on one God and acknowledging Jesus as anointed by God, but not himself God. It made sense to John, and he asked me about prayers, etc. He said that this was the most calm and peaceful he has seen me in a long time. I do feel at one with God when I pray; it has a centering effect on me. I wish Sabrina could understand or want to understand the spiritual aspect of my life. Maybe she could better accept my decisions about my life.
I sort of feel like I have feet in two worlds, though. I have to pretend not to have adopted Islam when I'm around her and the girls, but that IS what I have done. She says it will confuse them. I don't know if it will or not, but I do wish she could really accept my decision. I'm just thankful to God that she has not followed through with her suggestion to take the girls to CS Church. Even John agrees that the Pastor JH is a dangerous, sick person. All I know is that they believe Islam is evil and are working hard to bring about the end of the world so that Jesus will return. I don't think Jesus needs JH's help. God knows what He is going to do and I don't think JH is in on the plan. Thanks be to God!
We then went to SeaWorld. Sabrina and Clint raced around the place; we did see some shows. I really enjoyed the Orca show, of course, but the other two shows had slapstick comedy, which I don't enjoy. I was able to buy a couple of small gifts for Ayesha. Jackie was reprimanded by a woman when Jackie used a term that wasn't polite language. Sabrina really should be aware of her language and theirs. It isn't the best; they all swear a lot. Then Sabrina teased Jackie about it, and Clint yelled something, so Jackie cried all the way home.
After we returned to Sabrina's house, I got into my car and went to get something to eat. As I pulled into our complex, my phone began to ring. And ring again. So when I stopped the car, I saw that it was Cassie and she called again. It seems that they had locked themselves out of the house. I don't know why they don't keep their house keys on their key chain for the car, but apparently they don't. So I had to go back over there to open out their house.
I had planned on trying to eat quickly and then go to prayers, but the trip back to Sabrina's took a bit of time, and I did feel very tired, so I didn't go. I said my prayers at home and went to bed rather early. I had a migraine and then didn't sleep well.
So Sunday I was tired. I didn't take a shower but should have. I had to leave in a half hour to go to church with the girls when I was originally writing this. I gave the girls journals Saturday--Cassie loved the big journals. She writes a lot. I took them to Red Lobster today after church. They also supposed got some information about the mission trip to Matamoras. I doubt Sabrina will allow them to go on that, but she should email Malachi about about it. We packaged Jayden and Chiara's gifts, and the girls sent an Easter card to Chris, who leaves Monday.
I went to see John today (Monday) and told him about my dinner with Sabrina. He was interested in what attracted me to Islam. For me, it was the focus on one God and acknowledging Jesus as anointed by God, but not himself God. It made sense to John, and he asked me about prayers, etc. He said that this was the most calm and peaceful he has seen me in a long time. I do feel at one with God when I pray; it has a centering effect on me. I wish Sabrina could understand or want to understand the spiritual aspect of my life. Maybe she could better accept my decisions about my life.
I sort of feel like I have feet in two worlds, though. I have to pretend not to have adopted Islam when I'm around her and the girls, but that IS what I have done. She says it will confuse them. I don't know if it will or not, but I do wish she could really accept my decision. I'm just thankful to God that she has not followed through with her suggestion to take the girls to CS Church. Even John agrees that the Pastor JH is a dangerous, sick person. All I know is that they believe Islam is evil and are working hard to bring about the end of the world so that Jesus will return. I don't think Jesus needs JH's help. God knows what He is going to do and I don't think JH is in on the plan. Thanks be to God!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Last Night's Dinner
I had dinner with Sabrina last night. I know it was at John's suggestion, but however it came about, it was good for us to spend time together and talk. She told me that Cassie is seeing a therapist, and Jackie and Clint are also going to go. It has to do with Cassie's anger issues, primarily, but apparently (don't I know this?!) the therapist would also like to see Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina, too. Cassie says she needs another journal, because she doesn't want to use her Twilight journals until a certain date, for some reason.
We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.
Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.
Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.
Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST) because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family.
So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.
We talked about where the girls would go to school next year. I guess she's going to see if she can get Jackie into Health Careers, but she also is considering the charter school in Alamo Heights. Business Careers (Holmes) is really out.
Sabrina's main reason for dinner was to ask me not to wear my hijab around the girls and not to talk to them about getting old and needing someone to take care of me. Apparently, something I said made Cassie think that she needed to move it with me after college and take care of me. I guess I really have to be careful about what I say around them, because they can misinterpret things. Plus they also tell their mother everything we talk about. I think they are "quizzed" about our conversations, but I would never tell them not to tell their mother something.
Today is Friday and it's Juma'a today and prayers tonight. I really have to start learning the basics of Islam and go to programs more often. I need to make friends and have a support system.
Tomorrow is the Rockhills Easter Egg Hunt at Lanier, but Sabrina wants to go to SeaWorld (after the open house at SST) because it is supposed to be such a nice day. But the girls also need service projects. But we are having another Easter Egg Hunt next Sunday at the school and they can work at that. Sabrina actually invited me to SeaWorld. That would be nice--to actually do something with them as a family.
So often I don't feel like I'm part of a family, or part of anything really. I usually feel very much alone in this world--personally, spiritually, emotionally. Now I feel teary. I don't really know what to do about the aloneness. I feel close to no one. Sometimes I really miss Austin and my friends from my church there. While I was away from my family, I actually felt more emotionally connected to people, especially Jean whom I miss terribly. I'm normally not terribly outgoing, but I do feel so isolated and feel as if I have just slipped down into isolation more and more since I came back to San Antonio. My apartments have never been put together. I seem to have almost given up having anything in order. How do I explain that to John, and what can I do about it? I certainly don't know. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything, nothing gives me much pleasure. I know that's the depression and every day is a struggle to do anything. I pray the depression will somehow, someday get better, but realistically it won't. I'm still on the same medication and things are the same. I just saw Dr. S and told her I had increased my Remeron to 30 mg, and it had helped. It did help the worse depression that came on in January, but I really wish that the depression would improve and that I could live a normal life, in a normal apartment. I would just like to be a normal person and I'm not.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Tough Week and Weekend
This past week and weekend were a bit difficult. Although I did have a wonderful day on Thursday when I was able to take the girls to Fredericksburg and the LBJ Ranch, I made the mistake of wearing my hajib, and the girls must have mentioned it to Sabrina. (There was another woman wearing hajib at the Ranch and Jackie said, "Look, Nana! You've got a friend like you!") I went to Juma'a at the Islamic Center on Friday, but missed Friday and Saturday evening prayers at Timberhill.
When I talked to Sabrina on Saturday about taking the girls to church on Sunday, she was a little hot about it and started in on a lecture. The most upsetting part was that she said Clint would take the girls to CS Church, a church that I KNOW is very hostile to Islam and fixated on the End of Days.They are actually praying and working to make them come about (so Jesus will return). CS a megachurch--over 5,000 members--but Sabrina is impressed that it has an evening service that would mean Clint would not have to get up early (she has no intention of going to ANY church). I was rather distraught about her "plan." The girls like "their" church and feel comfortable there. They would like Sabrina to go, too, but that's not happening. Once again she talked about how I was a negative influence, and wanted to know why John wanted to see her alone on Monday. I told her that he thought they could talk more freely, and I would not become defensive and get off-track. John told me that he didn't want her to start attacking me--same difference. So Saturday late afternoon was a very sad time, but my prayers brought me comfort.
Later in the evening, Jackie texted me about going to church, and I decided to tell her the truth--that her mother had said I could not take them. I told her that I wanted to go with them, but could not go against her mother's wishes. Apparently, she and her mom had a little talk, and some minutes later, Jackie texted back that her mom said they could go with me. I was so happy that Sabrina had changed her mind (probably decided it was too much effort for Clint to take the girls to church--he is much bluster, and I don't think he belongs in this decision anyway). God is so good.
So we three were able to go to Rockhills on Sunday. I did not wear my hajib, as promised (plus THAT would have caused turmoil at church and embarrassment for the girls). The girls (once they had left home after a screaming match amongst Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina) were happy to be at church; there were even 2 other girls in their class. I was not uncomfortable. We didn't have our regular music because Chris was at South X Southwest in Austin so the music wasn't great, but Dave gave a good sermon on God's covenant with Abraham, after he reviewed "The Fall." He talked about how we basically have a self-centered nature, and need God in our lives to combat that. Of course, Christians believe that Jesus died to make us righteous before God, while Muslims believe that God forgave the transgression in the Garden and there was no need for sacrifice. But we all need to focus ourselves on the God who made us and worship Him. It was good to hear our pastor talking about the Hebrew stories and the history of God and His prophets. So many people have no clue about the history of God's interaction with us, and how people have violated His covenant with humans and refused to listen to the prophets that He has sent us throughout the centuries. As George Bernard Shaw said (to paraphrase), no one knows if Christianity works because no one has ever tried it. (I would disagree, because the early Jerusalem Christians tried to live as Jesus taught and that life worked for them quite well. Paul changed all that, with his emphasis on Jesus as God--which I cannot accept--and his form of Christianity was eventually adopted. In my opinion,it's been downhill ever since!)
Then we went for lunch to "our" Red Lobster. Yikes! It was closed, because a new one is opening across the street. But to our chagrin, the new one was not opened until the next day! Oh No! What to do? Where to go for lunch? Major decisions for a grandmother and her 14-year-old granddaughters. Cassie was instrumental in the decision to go to Denny's, which I thought was an interesting choice until we got in there and I realized that her motive was pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, specifically, but for Cassie, any pancakes will do. I think they are her favorite food. And she happily gobbled them down! Jackie got her usual double cheeseburger, and I had a Philly steak sandwich (Cassie ate the french fries).
Then, they had their first banana split. They had seen it on the menu, and it looked so good that they asked to try one. Banana splits are special and delicious, for sure. So we shared a beautiful banana split. How exciting for them!
I took them home around 2 pm, and all was dark and quiet in their house. Sabrina and Clint must have still been in bed, or laying about upstairs. When we left the house to go to church, Jackie said that she wished that she didn't have to go back, but she was better when we reached their home. They joked that if things got unbearble, they would show up on my doorstep.
Apparently, things were okay. They went to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream later in the day. Then Jackie called in the evening and said they were coming over yesterday (Monday) to help me clean as part of their service project. So I thought it was a good idea to pick up piles of junk that was all over the upstairs, both in my bedroom and all over the bathroom. I bagged all that junk, and then the girls took it out to the dumpster. They took out some downstairs junk and the garage stuff, too. That really helped. I got very tired bagging the upstairs stuff. I really need to clean the dining room table ASAP because I have to find the documents to do my taxes (and I need to get my computer back from Sabrina's house to help me sort out my 2009 expenses for taxes).
As a strategy, I decided that I would tackle one small area of the living room/dining room every day. That might be manageable. For example, maybe today I'll deal with the top of the coffee table. Then tomorrow I can clean underneath the coffee table. Then work on the dining room table (that might take a couple of days). Then the girls can come back to help carry out bags again, and Jackie can help organize things. She is an excellent organizer and has great ideas. What wonderful granddaughters I have been blessed with! Thank you, God!
Sabrina did go to see John yesterday. She was annoyed, of course, that he is always a bit late (10 minutes or so) but I don't know how their visit actually went and I didn't ask. I will probably find out something, though, because Sabrina texted me last night about going to dinner on Thursday. I asked if I was going to be upset or surprised or ambushed, but she said "No," nothing bad, just to talk. I know THAT'S a "John" idea. So I will go, sans hajib.. I have now agreed that I won't wear my hajib around her or the girls. It seems like "cheating," but it keeps the peace with her and at least she won't be "set off."
I told PB in a message about what was going on here, and she nailed it. Fear on Sabrina's part,because she doesn't understand my spiritual journey--how is God speaking to me. I can't even begin to explain it to her, because it is such a foreign concept to her, I think. Maybe John explained it better. (He said I wasn't crazy--just "different"). PB is dealing with a 14-year-old step-son who is talented in art; she and his father want him to come to live with them so he could go to Gldrland schools where he could learn in some great art classes, but he lives with his mother in Cbskl and they have few opportunities in that small town. I had mentioned private lessons in voice for Cassie and enrolling Jackie in SWSAC for the summer for her art. PB thinks that is probably the way to go. I respect her opinion as an artist. The arts almost have to be a beloved hobby because fine arts are so competitive and one cannot sustain oneself just with his/her talent, for the most part.
Sabrina asked me to go with them next Saturday to the School of Science & Technology High School, a charter school in Alamo Heights, to see about the girls going there for High School. It's a small school, but they seem to offer good courses, except for fine arts. But we can compensate for that. I will probably have to drive them there (no transportation because it is a private school, but no tuition because it is a charter school). Major decisions about their lives. Sabrina needs to ask lots of questions in the interview, especially about percentage of students who go to college and where they go. Funny--as well as Spanish (which students must take--Yay!), they offer Turkish and courses in Turkish culture. How interesting! I like that. Maybe they will learn a bit about Islam; who knows?
Cassie was accepted to Health Careers High School and Jackie to Business Careers High School, magnet schools in Northside ISD. Cassie was also accepted into Construction Careers High School, but since that school is at John Jay High School, even if she were interested, Sabrina would NEVER let her go there because of the neighborhood. (It is very dangerous.) Jackie really wanted to go to Health Careers but didn't get in, so SST may be the way to go for both of them. They offer advanced math and science courses, and computer graphics which Jackie may like. May God lead us in the correct direction to take for their lives.
I did hear from NP this week. I was going to meet her at OASIS after a talk on Wednesday, but I was feeling ill--migraine and upset stomach. I was also scheduled to have dinner that evening with Gretchen H, but had to cancel. She is such a dear woman whom I would like to know better. I didn't hear from AH all weekend, but he tried to talk to me on FB last night (I wasn't on) and then texted me late (11:30 pm) to see how things were going. I'm glad there are people who care about me. I plan to go to Islam 101 tomorrow night at the Islamic Center. And I'd like to go to the Women's Study there on Saturday late afternoon before Saturday prayers at Timberhill, but I don't know if I would be allowed. I will have to check.
I guess at some point I need to decide just where my "home" masjid will be. Shi'a or Sunni.
I've written much, so I'd better say prayers--sun is up.
When I talked to Sabrina on Saturday about taking the girls to church on Sunday, she was a little hot about it and started in on a lecture. The most upsetting part was that she said Clint would take the girls to CS Church, a church that I KNOW is very hostile to Islam and fixated on the End of Days.They are actually praying and working to make them come about (so Jesus will return). CS a megachurch--over 5,000 members--but Sabrina is impressed that it has an evening service that would mean Clint would not have to get up early (she has no intention of going to ANY church). I was rather distraught about her "plan." The girls like "their" church and feel comfortable there. They would like Sabrina to go, too, but that's not happening. Once again she talked about how I was a negative influence, and wanted to know why John wanted to see her alone on Monday. I told her that he thought they could talk more freely, and I would not become defensive and get off-track. John told me that he didn't want her to start attacking me--same difference. So Saturday late afternoon was a very sad time, but my prayers brought me comfort.
Later in the evening, Jackie texted me about going to church, and I decided to tell her the truth--that her mother had said I could not take them. I told her that I wanted to go with them, but could not go against her mother's wishes. Apparently, she and her mom had a little talk, and some minutes later, Jackie texted back that her mom said they could go with me. I was so happy that Sabrina had changed her mind (probably decided it was too much effort for Clint to take the girls to church--he is much bluster, and I don't think he belongs in this decision anyway). God is so good.
So we three were able to go to Rockhills on Sunday. I did not wear my hajib, as promised (plus THAT would have caused turmoil at church and embarrassment for the girls). The girls (once they had left home after a screaming match amongst Jackie, Clint, and Sabrina) were happy to be at church; there were even 2 other girls in their class. I was not uncomfortable. We didn't have our regular music because Chris was at South X Southwest in Austin so the music wasn't great, but Dave gave a good sermon on God's covenant with Abraham, after he reviewed "The Fall." He talked about how we basically have a self-centered nature, and need God in our lives to combat that. Of course, Christians believe that Jesus died to make us righteous before God, while Muslims believe that God forgave the transgression in the Garden and there was no need for sacrifice. But we all need to focus ourselves on the God who made us and worship Him. It was good to hear our pastor talking about the Hebrew stories and the history of God and His prophets. So many people have no clue about the history of God's interaction with us, and how people have violated His covenant with humans and refused to listen to the prophets that He has sent us throughout the centuries. As George Bernard Shaw said (to paraphrase), no one knows if Christianity works because no one has ever tried it. (I would disagree, because the early Jerusalem Christians tried to live as Jesus taught and that life worked for them quite well. Paul changed all that, with his emphasis on Jesus as God--which I cannot accept--and his form of Christianity was eventually adopted. In my opinion,it's been downhill ever since!)
Then we went for lunch to "our" Red Lobster. Yikes! It was closed, because a new one is opening across the street. But to our chagrin, the new one was not opened until the next day! Oh No! What to do? Where to go for lunch? Major decisions for a grandmother and her 14-year-old granddaughters. Cassie was instrumental in the decision to go to Denny's, which I thought was an interesting choice until we got in there and I realized that her motive was pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, specifically, but for Cassie, any pancakes will do. I think they are her favorite food. And she happily gobbled them down! Jackie got her usual double cheeseburger, and I had a Philly steak sandwich (Cassie ate the french fries).
Then, they had their first banana split. They had seen it on the menu, and it looked so good that they asked to try one. Banana splits are special and delicious, for sure. So we shared a beautiful banana split. How exciting for them!
I took them home around 2 pm, and all was dark and quiet in their house. Sabrina and Clint must have still been in bed, or laying about upstairs. When we left the house to go to church, Jackie said that she wished that she didn't have to go back, but she was better when we reached their home. They joked that if things got unbearble, they would show up on my doorstep.
Apparently, things were okay. They went to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream later in the day. Then Jackie called in the evening and said they were coming over yesterday (Monday) to help me clean as part of their service project. So I thought it was a good idea to pick up piles of junk that was all over the upstairs, both in my bedroom and all over the bathroom. I bagged all that junk, and then the girls took it out to the dumpster. They took out some downstairs junk and the garage stuff, too. That really helped. I got very tired bagging the upstairs stuff. I really need to clean the dining room table ASAP because I have to find the documents to do my taxes (and I need to get my computer back from Sabrina's house to help me sort out my 2009 expenses for taxes).
As a strategy, I decided that I would tackle one small area of the living room/dining room every day. That might be manageable. For example, maybe today I'll deal with the top of the coffee table. Then tomorrow I can clean underneath the coffee table. Then work on the dining room table (that might take a couple of days). Then the girls can come back to help carry out bags again, and Jackie can help organize things. She is an excellent organizer and has great ideas. What wonderful granddaughters I have been blessed with! Thank you, God!
Sabrina did go to see John yesterday. She was annoyed, of course, that he is always a bit late (10 minutes or so) but I don't know how their visit actually went and I didn't ask. I will probably find out something, though, because Sabrina texted me last night about going to dinner on Thursday. I asked if I was going to be upset or surprised or ambushed, but she said "No," nothing bad, just to talk. I know THAT'S a "John" idea. So I will go, sans hajib.. I have now agreed that I won't wear my hajib around her or the girls. It seems like "cheating," but it keeps the peace with her and at least she won't be "set off."
I told PB in a message about what was going on here, and she nailed it. Fear on Sabrina's part,because she doesn't understand my spiritual journey--how is God speaking to me. I can't even begin to explain it to her, because it is such a foreign concept to her, I think. Maybe John explained it better. (He said I wasn't crazy--just "different"). PB is dealing with a 14-year-old step-son who is talented in art; she and his father want him to come to live with them so he could go to Gldrland schools where he could learn in some great art classes, but he lives with his mother in Cbskl and they have few opportunities in that small town. I had mentioned private lessons in voice for Cassie and enrolling Jackie in SWSAC for the summer for her art. PB thinks that is probably the way to go. I respect her opinion as an artist. The arts almost have to be a beloved hobby because fine arts are so competitive and one cannot sustain oneself just with his/her talent, for the most part.
Sabrina asked me to go with them next Saturday to the School of Science & Technology High School, a charter school in Alamo Heights, to see about the girls going there for High School. It's a small school, but they seem to offer good courses, except for fine arts. But we can compensate for that. I will probably have to drive them there (no transportation because it is a private school, but no tuition because it is a charter school). Major decisions about their lives. Sabrina needs to ask lots of questions in the interview, especially about percentage of students who go to college and where they go. Funny--as well as Spanish (which students must take--Yay!), they offer Turkish and courses in Turkish culture. How interesting! I like that. Maybe they will learn a bit about Islam; who knows?
Cassie was accepted to Health Careers High School and Jackie to Business Careers High School, magnet schools in Northside ISD. Cassie was also accepted into Construction Careers High School, but since that school is at John Jay High School, even if she were interested, Sabrina would NEVER let her go there because of the neighborhood. (It is very dangerous.) Jackie really wanted to go to Health Careers but didn't get in, so SST may be the way to go for both of them. They offer advanced math and science courses, and computer graphics which Jackie may like. May God lead us in the correct direction to take for their lives.
I did hear from NP this week. I was going to meet her at OASIS after a talk on Wednesday, but I was feeling ill--migraine and upset stomach. I was also scheduled to have dinner that evening with Gretchen H, but had to cancel. She is such a dear woman whom I would like to know better. I didn't hear from AH all weekend, but he tried to talk to me on FB last night (I wasn't on) and then texted me late (11:30 pm) to see how things were going. I'm glad there are people who care about me. I plan to go to Islam 101 tomorrow night at the Islamic Center. And I'd like to go to the Women's Study there on Saturday late afternoon before Saturday prayers at Timberhill, but I don't know if I would be allowed. I will have to check.
I guess at some point I need to decide just where my "home" masjid will be. Shi'a or Sunni.
I've written much, so I'd better say prayers--sun is up.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Sh%t Has Hit The Fan
Here is the background of my story. I have been a spiritual seeker all my life; thanks be to Allah, a long life. I went to Roman Catholic schools all my life, even undergraduate university. My family was very religious, especially my mother. She was a convert to Catholicism. When I was in my 20s, I turned away from God due to something my mother-in-law said, because I was not mature enough to understand that was her opinion (a wrong one) and not the truth of God. When Sabrina was about 4, I returned to God and went back to RC church, the church I knew. There were MANY things about the RC church I could not accept, but my pastor convinced me to stay because he said (rightly) the people--not the pope or bishops or priests--were the real church. But then he was moved to another church, and the new pastor was very old school--very "by the book," we say. I could not accept that faith. I started going to Lutheran Christian church (Sabrina was about 13) and have gone to Lutheran church ever since, until this last year. Unbelievably, I could not find a Lutheran church in all of San Antonio, a city of 1.8 million people, many of German descent who are Lutheran, that was a good "fit" for me. So I finally began going to a small non-denominational Christian church, sort of "come as you are," and it was ok. That's where the girls and I have been attending. There is an emphasis on service, as Jesus told us to do.
But for many months and years as I read and studied, I have come more and more to believe that I cannot confess that Jesus is God. If Jesus is God, Christianity has more than one god. Christianity has a doctrine called the doctrine of the Trinity, 3 persons in One God. I can give a better argument than most seminarians for the Trinity, but I cannot accept it. I still see it as believing in 3 gods. So for me, that left Judaism or Islam for belief in the One True God. I believe, however, that Muhammad was a Great Prophet sent by God and have always believed that. I believed that from my own study and reading, certainly not what I was taught in school, except in Comparative Religions courses, where I learned about many religions. So I had reached the point where I didn't believe that Jesus was God; a Great Prophet for sure, and God's Holy Anointed Messenger for his time and the Messiah, but not God. And I also believed, the more I read and studied the Holy Bible, that St Paul, who wrote most of the books in the New (Greek) Testament actually was the one who promoted this falsehood of Jesus as God and "hijacked" Christianity into a new religion deifying Jesus, instead of remaining a sect of Judaism, which Jesus intended. He never intended to start a new religion, certainly not with himself as the center.
SO it was like a slap up side the head by God when this term, OASIS, the senior center I attend, offered Arabic class, a lecture on Women in Islam, and an Interfaith trip to one of our mosques. It was as if God was saying, "Pay attention here!" And so I did. At the masjid at juma (communal prayers), I heard more about what Isa (Jesus) taught than I have heard in most Christian churches! I felt so at peace there. And just going through the motions of the Salat (prayer) seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. So I listened to God and "took the plunge," so to speak, and adopted Islam as my way of life. But it is not without difficulty.
Now, something terrible has happened. My daughter is concerned that because I have adopted Islam, I am confusing my granddaughters and am now a negative influence in their lives. She wants us both to go to see my therapist next week, which is a good thing, I guess (though he has prejudices against Islam for various reasons, as I've mentioned before). But the worst part is that she wants to limit my access to the girls. She thinks I will fill their heads with confusing and conflicting things--some things she mentioned were harmless fun we were having with each other and had nothing to do with Islam. She thinks I just want attention. The girls are upset because they like the church we went to and want to go there still, but they don't want to go alone. Yesterday I told them that I would talk to the pastors about what to do about that. Ideally, they would like their mother to attend church with them. Unfortunately, Cassie has talked about changing her name (it was in a totally different context) and is wondering if she should become a Muslim. Jackie is very spiritual and called her mother out in the car yesterday about the fact that her mother should be going to church herself, when Sabrina said, "Why don't we just be atheists?" It was disrepectful of Jackie to say that to her mother, but my daughter has to realize they are developing their own spiritual lives and need to live them out. Sabrina texted me all morning when I asked her what this conference with the therapist was about, and she told me, in not very nice terms, that I am a bad influence on the girls. I am heartsick over this, and I know this is a great test of my own spirituality. I am praying and I have asked my friends to pray for me, too, to pass through this trial. So far, it's given me a migraine (no surprise there!), and the good thing is that I will see my therapist alone tomorrow, and we can talk about this before Sabrina comes barreling into his office and makes me out as some sort of insane woman. She says I have the mentality of a 12-year-old. I wonder if she ever considers God and her own spirituality, or if that is too difficult to face. I am glad that the girls care so deeply about God, but I don't want them to suffer at the hands of their mother and a know-it-all step-father (who thinks I'm crazy because he lived in Saudi Arabia and "knows" all about Islam). And to not be able to be with the girls would be a death for me.
That is the story, short version. I do not regret my decision; I know I made the right decision. My daughter doesn't realize how intelligent her girls are. I know I have confused them and for this I am sorry, and for making their lives more complicated. InshAllah we can work out something with the church. I have to email the pastors and try to explain all this. I would be willing to wear my veil but not as severe as when I go to masjid. I would even not wear the veil, if that would be the condition for coming to church. The girls want to stay there and I want them to stay there where they are comfortable and where they believe and feel welcome.
I will email the pastors tonight and see what transpires. I know they won't turn the girls away, and may not turn me away either. InshAllah all will work out well.
But for many months and years as I read and studied, I have come more and more to believe that I cannot confess that Jesus is God. If Jesus is God, Christianity has more than one god. Christianity has a doctrine called the doctrine of the Trinity, 3 persons in One God. I can give a better argument than most seminarians for the Trinity, but I cannot accept it. I still see it as believing in 3 gods. So for me, that left Judaism or Islam for belief in the One True God. I believe, however, that Muhammad was a Great Prophet sent by God and have always believed that. I believed that from my own study and reading, certainly not what I was taught in school, except in Comparative Religions courses, where I learned about many religions. So I had reached the point where I didn't believe that Jesus was God; a Great Prophet for sure, and God's Holy Anointed Messenger for his time and the Messiah, but not God. And I also believed, the more I read and studied the Holy Bible, that St Paul, who wrote most of the books in the New (Greek) Testament actually was the one who promoted this falsehood of Jesus as God and "hijacked" Christianity into a new religion deifying Jesus, instead of remaining a sect of Judaism, which Jesus intended. He never intended to start a new religion, certainly not with himself as the center.
SO it was like a slap up side the head by God when this term, OASIS, the senior center I attend, offered Arabic class, a lecture on Women in Islam, and an Interfaith trip to one of our mosques. It was as if God was saying, "Pay attention here!" And so I did. At the masjid at juma (communal prayers), I heard more about what Isa (Jesus) taught than I have heard in most Christian churches! I felt so at peace there. And just going through the motions of the Salat (prayer) seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. So I listened to God and "took the plunge," so to speak, and adopted Islam as my way of life. But it is not without difficulty.
Now, something terrible has happened. My daughter is concerned that because I have adopted Islam, I am confusing my granddaughters and am now a negative influence in their lives. She wants us both to go to see my therapist next week, which is a good thing, I guess (though he has prejudices against Islam for various reasons, as I've mentioned before). But the worst part is that she wants to limit my access to the girls. She thinks I will fill their heads with confusing and conflicting things--some things she mentioned were harmless fun we were having with each other and had nothing to do with Islam. She thinks I just want attention. The girls are upset because they like the church we went to and want to go there still, but they don't want to go alone. Yesterday I told them that I would talk to the pastors about what to do about that. Ideally, they would like their mother to attend church with them. Unfortunately, Cassie has talked about changing her name (it was in a totally different context) and is wondering if she should become a Muslim. Jackie is very spiritual and called her mother out in the car yesterday about the fact that her mother should be going to church herself, when Sabrina said, "Why don't we just be atheists?" It was disrepectful of Jackie to say that to her mother, but my daughter has to realize they are developing their own spiritual lives and need to live them out. Sabrina texted me all morning when I asked her what this conference with the therapist was about, and she told me, in not very nice terms, that I am a bad influence on the girls. I am heartsick over this, and I know this is a great test of my own spirituality. I am praying and I have asked my friends to pray for me, too, to pass through this trial. So far, it's given me a migraine (no surprise there!), and the good thing is that I will see my therapist alone tomorrow, and we can talk about this before Sabrina comes barreling into his office and makes me out as some sort of insane woman. She says I have the mentality of a 12-year-old. I wonder if she ever considers God and her own spirituality, or if that is too difficult to face. I am glad that the girls care so deeply about God, but I don't want them to suffer at the hands of their mother and a know-it-all step-father (who thinks I'm crazy because he lived in Saudi Arabia and "knows" all about Islam). And to not be able to be with the girls would be a death for me.
That is the story, short version. I do not regret my decision; I know I made the right decision. My daughter doesn't realize how intelligent her girls are. I know I have confused them and for this I am sorry, and for making their lives more complicated. InshAllah we can work out something with the church. I have to email the pastors and try to explain all this. I would be willing to wear my veil but not as severe as when I go to masjid. I would even not wear the veil, if that would be the condition for coming to church. The girls want to stay there and I want them to stay there where they are comfortable and where they believe and feel welcome.
I will email the pastors tonight and see what transpires. I know they won't turn the girls away, and may not turn me away either. InshAllah all will work out well.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
An Up & Down Week
Well, there it is. I have officially told my daughter that I have adopted Islam as my way of life. I expect the phone to chime with a text message (there it goes now) with her response. Odd. She doesn't seem to get it, or doesn't see a problem with it, one or the other. She asked "What controversy?" there would be tomorrow with me attending church services.
I did have an up and down week. One night I had a meltdown when I had missed a prayer and felt like I didn't understand anything I was saying. I ended up crying and asking God to forgive me and please put up with me, even though I didn't know what I was doing but I was trying to be a good Muslim. And felt like I was failing. But after I had a good cry, I realized that God is merciful and compassionate and loves me, and DOES put up with me. So I got up and kept saying my prayers. Like a missed a prayer today. I'm not proud or happy about it, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I said the Dusk prayer, and I'll say my Night prayer and God will hear me.
Sabrina does understand what's happening, it seems, and now doesn't want the girls to go to church. So I feel terrible that I am the cause of pulling them away from God. I know she would never let them go to the masjid. They will probably be more upset that they don't have a place to do service projects. At least Sabrina will be upset about it. She just doesn't want the girls involved in a controversy at church. I can understand that. I don't want to put them in the middle of anything either. I guess I owe the pastors an explanation, so I will email them and also ask their advice about the girls. I wish they could go to the masjid for prayers and meet other Muslim youth. Somehow, I don't see Sabrina going along with that.
So you can see why I say it's been an up and down week. I went to the masjid on Fairhaven on Friday. I liked that. I was going to go to AH's masjid tonight but last night I fell asleep and tonight I just didn't get it together in time.
Ayesha flipped out when I told her on FB today. She really couldn't believe it. I wrote her a long message about it and explained it. It's touching that she cares about me so much, more than my own family. My family just pretends nothing has happened and just wants no controversy. Narjis checked in with me yesterday. That was nice, too. Funny how other people care about me but my family doesn't. They don't understand my spiritual seeking. Could it be because they never thought about their own spiritual lives? Who can say?
I haven't told them that I've taken the name FaTima yet. That's the next bombshell.
I did have an up and down week. One night I had a meltdown when I had missed a prayer and felt like I didn't understand anything I was saying. I ended up crying and asking God to forgive me and please put up with me, even though I didn't know what I was doing but I was trying to be a good Muslim. And felt like I was failing. But after I had a good cry, I realized that God is merciful and compassionate and loves me, and DOES put up with me. So I got up and kept saying my prayers. Like a missed a prayer today. I'm not proud or happy about it, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I said the Dusk prayer, and I'll say my Night prayer and God will hear me.
Sabrina does understand what's happening, it seems, and now doesn't want the girls to go to church. So I feel terrible that I am the cause of pulling them away from God. I know she would never let them go to the masjid. They will probably be more upset that they don't have a place to do service projects. At least Sabrina will be upset about it. She just doesn't want the girls involved in a controversy at church. I can understand that. I don't want to put them in the middle of anything either. I guess I owe the pastors an explanation, so I will email them and also ask their advice about the girls. I wish they could go to the masjid for prayers and meet other Muslim youth. Somehow, I don't see Sabrina going along with that.
So you can see why I say it's been an up and down week. I went to the masjid on Fairhaven on Friday. I liked that. I was going to go to AH's masjid tonight but last night I fell asleep and tonight I just didn't get it together in time.
Ayesha flipped out when I told her on FB today. She really couldn't believe it. I wrote her a long message about it and explained it. It's touching that she cares about me so much, more than my own family. My family just pretends nothing has happened and just wants no controversy. Narjis checked in with me yesterday. That was nice, too. Funny how other people care about me but my family doesn't. They don't understand my spiritual seeking. Could it be because they never thought about their own spiritual lives? Who can say?
I haven't told them that I've taken the name FaTima yet. That's the next bombshell.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
An Interesting Weekend
I fully expected that today would be my "coming out" day, that today Sabrina and Jackie and my church would find out that I have adopted Islam as my way of life. But, as things turned out, rains came down from the heavens today and gave me a migraine (along with the fact that I got only about 3 hours of sleep last night which probably contributed to the headache) so I was given a reprieve from facing the people I know and love most and explaining to them what has happened to me. I have begun to say my prayers now. I feel more like a true Muslim. I am using the information sheets that Lyana sent me, but I put them on index cards so it would be easier for me to use.
I had intended to go to services last night but Sabrina called just as I was about to leave and wanted to stop over with the girls who were returning from Austin and their trip to UT-Austin. Apparently one of the girls had great need of my facilities, so I knew that was important so I waited for them to arrive. However, half an hour later, Sabrina was still waiting for the bus to arrive, and then another half hour later, she called and said the girls had said they could wait until they got home. I was a bit annoyed, considering that Sabrina does have a key to my house and could have let herself and the girls in--I didn't have to be here--but I still think I did the right thing. John would tell me differently, I think, but I think I wanted to show them that they come first in my life, and I would do almost anything for them.
I had a wonderful experience at the masjid on Friday at prayers and then at the program later in the evening, The teacher from Austin spoke about patience, and about learning patience from things we like by using them in modernation and those we don't like by doing them and not avoiding them. There was a very poignant moment when he spoke about how many of the people had left their homelands with beautiful cities and nice climates and fresh, cool water to come to a strange land with strange customs and unbearable heat and salty water. And. I thought, persecution. The land of the free--not exactly. But it helped them learn patience. Maybe that's why AH is so patient with us in Arabic class. It brought me to tears to think about it, especially since today is election day in Iraq. Will the terror never stop?
NP found me on FB today. I was so glad to see her ask me for a friend. It will be a good way to message and talk about my journey of faith. I don't know what mosque she attends, but I know I have people praying for me. I feel a little sad that I have not heard from MM at Fairhaven about the class. I really would like to attend some classes or study, but the masjid doesn't have many opportunities for study. And it is a strict Shi'a sect, and I don't want to learn something wrong. But I want to study. What to do?
My need to learn and study always will get me into trouble, for sure!
I had intended to go to services last night but Sabrina called just as I was about to leave and wanted to stop over with the girls who were returning from Austin and their trip to UT-Austin. Apparently one of the girls had great need of my facilities, so I knew that was important so I waited for them to arrive. However, half an hour later, Sabrina was still waiting for the bus to arrive, and then another half hour later, she called and said the girls had said they could wait until they got home. I was a bit annoyed, considering that Sabrina does have a key to my house and could have let herself and the girls in--I didn't have to be here--but I still think I did the right thing. John would tell me differently, I think, but I think I wanted to show them that they come first in my life, and I would do almost anything for them.
I had a wonderful experience at the masjid on Friday at prayers and then at the program later in the evening, The teacher from Austin spoke about patience, and about learning patience from things we like by using them in modernation and those we don't like by doing them and not avoiding them. There was a very poignant moment when he spoke about how many of the people had left their homelands with beautiful cities and nice climates and fresh, cool water to come to a strange land with strange customs and unbearable heat and salty water. And. I thought, persecution. The land of the free--not exactly. But it helped them learn patience. Maybe that's why AH is so patient with us in Arabic class. It brought me to tears to think about it, especially since today is election day in Iraq. Will the terror never stop?
NP found me on FB today. I was so glad to see her ask me for a friend. It will be a good way to message and talk about my journey of faith. I don't know what mosque she attends, but I know I have people praying for me. I feel a little sad that I have not heard from MM at Fairhaven about the class. I really would like to attend some classes or study, but the masjid doesn't have many opportunities for study. And it is a strict Shi'a sect, and I don't want to learn something wrong. But I want to study. What to do?
My need to learn and study always will get me into trouble, for sure!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Feeling Even Better Still
I chose a happy color to write with today because I wrote to AH my Arabic teacher last night to thank him last night for being so encouraging to me after class the other day, and I also used the Arabic keyboard to type "shurkran" whuch means "Thank you" in Arabic. Imagine my surprise when I received a reply this morning (I had written quite late--probably after 11 p.m.) from him, my dear brother, inviting me to attend services at his Masjid on Timberhill tomorrow for the special program for The Prophet's birthday. He did neglect to tell me the time, so I did write back to him and ask the time of the services, but I was also so excited and happy because he had mentioned me to some of the women at the Masjid and they are anxious to meet me! I may actually have friends! Wouldn't that be wonderful, if I could have women friends who could help me, with whom I could talk, who could help me learn to pray, who could teach me to wear the hajib properly (and neatly!)? How wonderful that would be! I have yet to hear back from brother Mike at the Masjid on Fairhaven, and that bothers me. It makes me feel that I am not really wanted there or that I would be over looked because it is such a large mosque. Maybe at a smaller masjid I would be happier. It is so nice of AH to help me. I was really so surprised. I hope he lets me know the time of the services so that I can go there and not have to stake it out.
I also have to wait for the delivery of Sabrina's new TV tomorrow. (Why do they need a new TV? My TV is older than theirs, both of mine are older.) Of course, they are all glued to the TV all the time. Well, what will she say if she is there when I show up in my "modest Muslim lady" attire? Then again, maybe she'll be gone. I hope.
I tried to onstall my Arabic Rosetta Stone, but my Spanish Rosetta Stone Application is apparently newer than the Arabic Application, so I have to uninstall the Spanish before I can install the Arabic. So on Monday afternoon, I will go to the Apple Store and get them to help me do that. I refuse to annoy myself over this. Bad enough that I have to figure out what to do about this printer business. I guess I had better work on that next week or the week after. I had better get serious about that.
I also have to go pray now. I don't know the right words to pray, but I am using words from the Qur'an so I hope Allah hears my prayers. They are earnest and sincere. I believe he will. I know he loves me and knows I mean well.
I should finish this and publish it before Sabrina calls with my "directions" for tomorrow. I don't want to mess up my assignment!
I also have to wait for the delivery of Sabrina's new TV tomorrow. (Why do they need a new TV? My TV is older than theirs, both of mine are older.) Of course, they are all glued to the TV all the time. Well, what will she say if she is there when I show up in my "modest Muslim lady" attire? Then again, maybe she'll be gone. I hope.
I tried to onstall my Arabic Rosetta Stone, but my Spanish Rosetta Stone Application is apparently newer than the Arabic Application, so I have to uninstall the Spanish before I can install the Arabic. So on Monday afternoon, I will go to the Apple Store and get them to help me do that. I refuse to annoy myself over this. Bad enough that I have to figure out what to do about this printer business. I guess I had better work on that next week or the week after. I had better get serious about that.
I also have to go pray now. I don't know the right words to pray, but I am using words from the Qur'an so I hope Allah hears my prayers. They are earnest and sincere. I believe he will. I know he loves me and knows I mean well.
I should finish this and publish it before Sabrina calls with my "directions" for tomorrow. I don't want to mess up my assignment!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Feeling Less Alone
I went to Arabic class today. It was our 2nd to last class. We all want OASIS to continue the classes next term. So does Hussein. We also want the classes to be twice a week, 4 hours rather than 2 hours. How else will we learn? Hussein looked at me when he came in and said, you look very nice today. I was wearing my veil and a tunic dress, slacks, and a long-sleeved long red sweater. Florine loved my Sketchers. Ralph brought Middle Eastern pastries. We may go over to Jerusalem restaurant next week and celebrate the end of the term.
At the end of class, Hussein said, do you want to tell me why you are dressed so nice? So I did. We had a nice chat. I told him the whole story, and he was really encouraging to me about adopting Islam. He said if I needed to talk or if I wanted to go to the mosque he goes to, or felt alone, to call him or email him. He gave me his phone numbers and email and really was great in making me feel that things were going to be okay. He attends a mosque over by Ingram Mall, near to where he lives. This week is The Prophet's birthday, so there will be a lot of people in attendance.
I will email him tonight and thank him for making me feel less anxious about things. The funny thing was that I picked up Cassie at school and she didn't say anything about how I was dressed. Not a thing. Didn't phase her in the least. Good old Cassie. I love her.
At the end of class, Hussein said, do you want to tell me why you are dressed so nice? So I did. We had a nice chat. I told him the whole story, and he was really encouraging to me about adopting Islam. He said if I needed to talk or if I wanted to go to the mosque he goes to, or felt alone, to call him or email him. He gave me his phone numbers and email and really was great in making me feel that things were going to be okay. He attends a mosque over by Ingram Mall, near to where he lives. This week is The Prophet's birthday, so there will be a lot of people in attendance.
I will email him tonight and thank him for making me feel less anxious about things. The funny thing was that I picked up Cassie at school and she didn't say anything about how I was dressed. Not a thing. Didn't phase her in the least. Good old Cassie. I love her.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Well, I Blew my Therapist's Mind!
I went to my appointment with my therapist today. I've been seeing John for well over 10 years (yeah, I'm severely depressed and probably always will be, says my psychiatrist). But today was the first day that I actually wore my hajib (headscarf) out in public, except for the time I've gone to the mosque. I was sitting in the waiting room. He didn't recognize me! I was also wearing my Pakistani outfit but it has short sleeves so I had my jacket on. I forget what it's called. If I think hard enough I could come up with the words. Doesn't matter. They are comfortable--long tunic and pants. But I did tell him what I was doing. He wasn't all that thrilled; he has a lot of misconceptions about Islam, too, I think. He recommended a book (John's standard procedure) on how radical Islam is destroying Europe. I don't think I'm involved with radical Islam. I tried to explain that this has to do with my belief in One God, and my belief in the decline of values in society. He thinks it has to do with my relationship with Sabrina, but that I should stand firm and not take any shit from her about it, not "announce" it, just let her find out naturally. She'll find out when she sees me in a hajib. And I'll get grief for it. I just have to not get defensive. She's going to say I'm off on another "jag." Well, it doesn't matter who says what. It's my life.I have to do what I feel I'm being called to do. Now if I can just get to be able to wear the hajib neatly and nicely.
Time to make sure I know my Arabic numbers.
Time to make sure I know my Arabic numbers.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
The Last Day of The Short Month--Thank you, God
For a short month, it has seemed so long. I am in a spiritual upheaval. I would have NEVER in my life thought that I would EVER be considering Islam as my religion of choice. My stomach is full of butterflies. What will my family think? They already think I'm a bit nuts. Christianity to Islam? Come on! But I am a seeker and always have been. Was Jesus God? How could that be? Yes, he was a special prophet. He was certainly a messenger sent by God. He was even so close to God that God would call him his son. But God calls us his children, too. But being God's son does not make him God. The more I read the New Testament and Paul's letters, the more I feel that Paul hijacked Christianity and made it something he wanted it to be, not what Jesus preached. And therefore, Muhammad was right. Christianity got off track. Oh dear God, do I have the strength to do what I believe I should do? I have prayed and prayed. Please hear me and help me.
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